My oldest daughter's father has died.  He is not the one who molested the girls, he was just a deadbeat dad.  Ever since I left him he had struggled to live normally.  For the past few years he had been living in a homeless shelter.  He had been arrested a few times for shoplifting.  Overdosed in 2014. Got arrested right after Christmas of 2016 for burglary.  He got out of jail this month - they dismissed the charges.  He overdosed that  night.  The girls hadn't had a relationship with him since they were six and seven.  They had only recently had some sporadic convos with him via text on Facebook.  Both had told him until he stopped doing drugs they couldn't have a relationship with him.  He was unable to meet that limit.  They both feel guilty.  I've talked to them and explained that it's not their fault - but kids are kids.  The only positive - they may get social security payments.  In 17 years their father has maybe contributed 2k (if that) to their upbringing and that was only because he was on work release.  I am glad that they will finally receive something.  What a waste.

all in all things are going well.  The ups are way more than the downs and it's been a VERY long time since I could say that.  All of the girls are doing very well and I couldn't be more relieved that things are finally starting to get back to normal.  It's been 3 years now since the revelation and we seem to be getting back to being a real family again and my heart could not be more full.  I am so lucky to still have my daughters in my life and that they are doing well - it could be so much worse.  I know they still have a hard road ahead as many survivors don't actually start dealing with what happened to them until they are in their early 20's but I hope and pray that they keep overcoming what they have been through. 

so far no problems with K and M's dad - hopefully I was just being paranoid.

have some great news - I think I have a part time job that I can do from home and work when I want to but I do have to do at least 20 hours per week.  It's grading standardized tests and you make $13 per hour.  This will help me out tremendously!!! Training is supposed to start this week.  Hopefully this will help get me out of my financial pit and I can get back on my feet.  I can also work as many hours as I want up to 40 so AWESOME!!!

K and M's father is escalating.  It's making me very nervous.  I am very paranoid about him  - he hasn't threatened me or anything but any contact makes me nervous.  First he commented on a picture of me that someone posted that I wasn't tagged in so I didn't know about it at first - someone told me about it.  This weekend he somehow got M's number and sent her messages that went like this:

"hey babygirl it's dad.  don't get freaked out n really wish ud keep this between us? if u don't want me to ever text or call I won't! but this is my number n u text for call me whenever u want it be nice if  ud shoot me a text once n awhile I was hopin we could maybe meet n town maybe sometime go to a ballgame this year n hopefully live on the the levee some. will see. i heard the girls u were at embassy with is really great girls. proud of u n try to always stay with positive people that want good things n life do u know where XXXX market is i live across st last brick building on the right at very end of street n town opposite of river i love u bunch text me n tell k love her bunch n i hope she really doesn't have a bf but if so gu dougie fresh guess i just hope shes being smart n hes good to her as long as hes never ever mean to her n anyway n he goes to college or better have a job 4sure if no retend im in the middle squeezin the heck outt ya bye dougie fresh then i just hope shes happy i want u girls to be happy n just wish college would b ur main goal cause u have 4ever for stupid men lol i support n im on yals team always no matter what n never forget that i try come up with lil money for yal to blow text me love u berry n tell k yal hug each other n p"

this is so hard - I don't know what to do - he's so crazy and manipulative I never know if he really wants to be in the girls life or just wants to terrorize me or find a way to hurt me

if he really wanted to be in their life why hasn't he gotten a job? stopped doing drugs? stopped doing criminal things? I know it's not fair to the girls but I wish he would just disappear for good out of their life

M is pretty sure it's her friend N who gave him her number because this friend N is now saying all the same shit that he told K when he tried to get her to talk to him about a year ago or so and she told him off - he knows M is his last chance and I know M is the weak link she doesn't remember how bad it was with im K does I just wanna run away

So excited M had a 4.3 and K a 3.9 on their report cards!! N got all S's.  Although K is going through a depressive episode right now I can't help but feel proud of them and myself for guiding them back to success in school.  Now if I can just get financially straight things would be great!!!!

well things are still positive - while K is still very moody her grades  are A's and B's and she has been trying to keep her room clean (she hasn't done this in AGES).  She also organized her clothes.  She did tell me she is feeling seriously depressed again so we have scheduled therapy for her. 

M doing great in school still.  She's had some friend problems lately but honestly I think are for the best.  Her friend was not a positive influence in my opinion.  I'm pretty sure her improved attitude is a result of not being around said friend.  We shall see.

N growing up so fast.  Catching a little attitude now and then (from her role models - her sisters) but I nip it in the bud everytime.  She is just so sensitive it's hard to be tough on her - those tears well up and my heart just melts. LOL

Financially things are still not what I would wish but we are making it.  I hate that I can't get the girls clothes they need/want.  Luckily Shaye could care less.  My clothing is mostly hand me downs.

Winter got me down a little - I think I might have a little of that seasonal affective disorder but I've been better in the last few weeks.  It just gets overwhelming sometimes being responsible for these three all by myself with no help from anyone - no extended family, no dad - it sucks.  Then add in my dad who is not one to sugar coat things and says things like "well you are the one who wanted all these kids", "you are the one who picked em (talking about the dads).  My dad is not a bad person but he's not very sympathetic lol.  Both of my parents live out of state now and I have no brothers and sisters and extended family is estranged since I was about 11 so.....it is what it is.

Time for an update AND I have mostly good news!

K just keeps improving.  She still has a long way to go but baby steps!  She hasn't missed any school since the attendance officer talked to her (which was actually at my instigation but she doesn't know that).  Her grades while not fantastic are improving so I can't complain.  She and her sister M actually seem to be getting closer and it makes me SOOOOOOOOOOO happy.  She wants to get a job and had an interview this week.  She panicked right before hand but I talked her down and she went.  I hope she gets it - would do a lot to improve her self esteem.  As far as I know, she hasn't cut for a long time but I haven't checked her arms either.

M is doing pretty awesome.  She has straight A's and seems to be doing very well socially.  Our relationship is also improving and we are getting closer and closer.  She is still very secretive and doesn't like to share a lot but something is better than nothing!  She does still sleep with the lamp on in her room and still has irrational fears of being in the dark or alone and is very self conscious sometimes, but overall I have high hopes for her.

N had a rough start with beginning Kindergarten but seems to have adjusted and is plugging along like the little engine that could.  She is so precious.  She started basketball last night and LOVES it. 

I am blessed beyond measure to be the mother of these daughters of mine.  Their dads don't know what their missing.

Financially I am struggling but not sinking yet.  I'm trying to find a p/t job in sales.  I want some big commissions!

Keep us in your prayers!