My oldest daughter's father has died.  He is not the one who molested the girls, he was just a deadbeat dad.  Ever since I left him he had struggled to live normally.  For the past few years he had been living in a homeless shelter.  He had been arrested a few times for shoplifting.  Overdosed in 2014. Got arrested right after Christmas of 2016 for burglary.  He got out of jail this month - they dismissed the charges.  He overdosed that  night.  The girls hadn't had a relationship with him since they were six and seven.  They had only recently had some sporadic convos with him via text on Facebook.  Both had told him until he stopped doing drugs they couldn't have a relationship with him.  He was unable to meet that limit.  They both feel guilty.  I've talked to them and explained that it's not their fault - but kids are kids.  The only positive - they may get social security payments.  In 17 years their father has maybe contributed 2k (if that) to their upbringing and that was only because he was on work release.  I am glad that they will finally receive something.  What a waste.

all in all things are going well.  The ups are way more than the downs and it's been a VERY long time since I could say that.  All of the girls are doing very well and I couldn't be more relieved that things are finally starting to get back to normal.  It's been 3 years now since the revelation and we seem to be getting back to being a real family again and my heart could not be more full.  I am so lucky to still have my daughters in my life and that they are doing well - it could be so much worse.  I know they still have a hard road ahead as many survivors don't actually start dealing with what happened to them until they are in their early 20's but I hope and pray that they keep overcoming what they have been through. 

so far no problems with K and M's dad - hopefully I was just being paranoid.

have some great news - I think I have a part time job that I can do from home and work when I want to but I do have to do at least 20 hours per week.  It's grading standardized tests and you make $13 per hour.  This will help me out tremendously!!! Training is supposed to start this week.  Hopefully this will help get me out of my financial pit and I can get back on my feet.  I can also work as many hours as I want up to 40 so AWESOME!!!

K and M's father is escalating.  It's making me very nervous.  I am very paranoid about him  - he hasn't threatened me or anything but any contact makes me nervous.  First he commented on a picture of me that someone posted that I wasn't tagged in so I didn't know about it at first - someone told me about it.  This weekend he somehow got M's number and sent her messages that went like this:

"hey babygirl it's dad.  don't get freaked out n really wish ud keep this between us? if u don't want me to ever text or call I won't! but this is my number n u text for call me whenever u want it be nice if  ud shoot me a text once n awhile I was hopin we could maybe meet n town maybe sometime go to a ballgame this year n hopefully live on the the levee some. will see. i heard the girls u were at embassy with is really great girls. proud of u n try to always stay with positive people that want good things n life do u know where XXXX market is i live across st last brick building on the right at very end of street n town opposite of river i love u bunch text me n tell k love her bunch n i hope she really doesn't have a bf but if so gu dougie fresh guess i just hope shes being smart n hes good to her as long as hes never ever mean to her n anyway n he goes to college or better have a job 4sure if no retend im in the middle squeezin the heck outt ya bye dougie fresh then i just hope shes happy i want u girls to be happy n just wish college would b ur main goal cause u have 4ever for stupid men lol i support n im on yals team always no matter what n never forget that i try come up with lil money for yal to blow text me love u berry n tell k yal hug each other n p"

this is so hard - I don't know what to do - he's so crazy and manipulative I never know if he really wants to be in the girls life or just wants to terrorize me or find a way to hurt me

if he really wanted to be in their life why hasn't he gotten a job? stopped doing drugs? stopped doing criminal things? I know it's not fair to the girls but I wish he would just disappear for good out of their life

M is pretty sure it's her friend N who gave him her number because this friend N is now saying all the same shit that he told K when he tried to get her to talk to him about a year ago or so and she told him off - he knows M is his last chance and I know M is the weak link she doesn't remember how bad it was with im K does I just wanna run away

So excited M had a 4.3 and K a 3.9 on their report cards!! N got all S's.  Although K is going through a depressive episode right now I can't help but feel proud of them and myself for guiding them back to success in school.  Now if I can just get financially straight things would be great!!!!

well things are still positive - while K is still very moody her grades  are A's and B's and she has been trying to keep her room clean (she hasn't done this in AGES).  She also organized her clothes.  She did tell me she is feeling seriously depressed again so we have scheduled therapy for her. 

M doing great in school still.  She's had some friend problems lately but honestly I think are for the best.  Her friend was not a positive influence in my opinion.  I'm pretty sure her improved attitude is a result of not being around said friend.  We shall see.

N growing up so fast.  Catching a little attitude now and then (from her role models - her sisters) but I nip it in the bud everytime.  She is just so sensitive it's hard to be tough on her - those tears well up and my heart just melts. LOL

Financially things are still not what I would wish but we are making it.  I hate that I can't get the girls clothes they need/want.  Luckily Shaye could care less.  My clothing is mostly hand me downs.

Winter got me down a little - I think I might have a little of that seasonal affective disorder but I've been better in the last few weeks.  It just gets overwhelming sometimes being responsible for these three all by myself with no help from anyone - no extended family, no dad - it sucks.  Then add in my dad who is not one to sugar coat things and says things like "well you are the one who wanted all these kids", "you are the one who picked em (talking about the dads).  My dad is not a bad person but he's not very sympathetic lol.  Both of my parents live out of state now and I have no brothers and sisters and extended family is estranged since I was about 11 so.....it is what it is.

Time for an update AND I have mostly good news!

K just keeps improving.  She still has a long way to go but baby steps!  She hasn't missed any school since the attendance officer talked to her (which was actually at my instigation but she doesn't know that).  Her grades while not fantastic are improving so I can't complain.  She and her sister M actually seem to be getting closer and it makes me SOOOOOOOOOOO happy.  She wants to get a job and had an interview this week.  She panicked right before hand but I talked her down and she went.  I hope she gets it - would do a lot to improve her self esteem.  As far as I know, she hasn't cut for a long time but I haven't checked her arms either.

M is doing pretty awesome.  She has straight A's and seems to be doing very well socially.  Our relationship is also improving and we are getting closer and closer.  She is still very secretive and doesn't like to share a lot but something is better than nothing!  She does still sleep with the lamp on in her room and still has irrational fears of being in the dark or alone and is very self conscious sometimes, but overall I have high hopes for her.

N had a rough start with beginning Kindergarten but seems to have adjusted and is plugging along like the little engine that could.  She is so precious.  She started basketball last night and LOVES it. 

I am blessed beyond measure to be the mother of these daughters of mine.  Their dads don't know what their missing.

Financially I am struggling but not sinking yet.  I'm trying to find a p/t job in sales.  I want some big commissions!

Keep us in your prayers!

Finally some good news!  Things have improved for K - she has made some new friends and things seem to be going a lot better.  Thank goodness because my heart was breaking.

M is doing great at soccer and socially.  She and I butt heads quite often but we have also become closer. 

N is struggling a little bit with anxiety and school/aftercare.  I'm hoping after a few months she will get more comfortable.  The teacher has recommended her for a program they have that will help her with self-esteem and confidence.  Her school seems really great.

I'm also doing pretty well.  A little lonely but usually don't have time to dwell on that.

Looking back it's been a little over two years and I think we are finally starting to recover from what happened.  I am proud of my little family and I have finally realized that I am enough.  That I am valuable, that I'm able to make myself happy. 

I'm working on a couple of things and hopefully in the next six months something big might happen in my life that may change it forever - and no, it's not a man. LOL It's starting a new business.  I'm pretty excited.

Stay blessed and keep us in your prayers - it's working!!!

well here we are at the start of a new school year and little N's first year.  Looking back it has been a pretty good summer all in all.  K has def improved over the summer and we had high hopes of her return to school - unfortunately those have not come to fruition.  She is almost being shunned by her "friends" - they are polite to her but in the past three days of school she has ate lunch by herself.  If only there was someone who would reach out to her to make her feel welcome and wanted but evidently those "friends" are evil little bitches with zero empathy - I'd like to tell them all about themselves and punch them in the face.  Really we shouldn't be surprised, she hadn't heard from them all summer.  Not one.  She does have a place to go at lunch in the office so she doesn't feel like humiliated.  She's too fragile to reach out on her own - hopefully as the school year goes on she will meet new people and make new friends.  A new friend she made over the summer goes to her school , but she got sick and is missing the first week - after she comes back I hope things start to change.  If only Jordan would get involved in some type of activity at school it would help her make friends also but she is too self-conscious to try anything.  The vp and the counselor you would think would be able to help in this area but have been practically useless except for making the "safe space" available.   All this money spent on suicide prevention and what has it done for my girl? Not a damn thing.  I did talk to her about an alternative and she said that she didn't want to quit that "they" would just say "she couldn't handle it this year either" - I'm proud and sad all at the same time.  M is doing great - she gave up cheer and tried out for soccer.  She really seems to enjoy it and I'm glad and she's working hard.  It did cost me a lot of money - I swear I don't know how people do it - I mean I make a pretty good salary and I'm seriously struggling.  Of course I do have three kids and no child support.

More to write but gotta go.

Keep us in your prayers!

M is doing extremely well.  She brought her GPA up at the end of year from a 2.28 to a 3.3.  I am so proud of her.  She decided to try out again for cheer for high school which totally surprised me and really enjoyed cheer clinics.  She has been keeping her room clean and even cleaned the bathroom and I didn't even ask her to - amazing!!!  While I know she is not completely healed, it is encouraging.

K is still up and down, up and down, up and down.  I really believe she is bi-polar.  I never realized just how hard it is to get help when you are mentally ill.  It all sounds so easy but the reality is we are no further than we were a year ago in helping her feel better.  It sucks. 

N seems to be doing very well also.  She hardly ever mentions her sperm donor anymore and when she has she has done so in a way that seems to indicate it is not bothering her as much as it did. 

I recently went back and read the letters that he sent to me after he was first arrested.  Maybe one day I will post the content so others can see exactly how manipulative and evil these people are, but I'm not ready yet.

I've been in a funk lately - just generally feeling worn out and exhausted.  Quit exercising in the mornings because I could barely manage enough energy to get out of bed to get ready for work much less exercise.  This blogger pretty much nailed it

http://paulasponderings.com/2015/05/03/outside-of-myself-looking-in/

Do you ever have that feeling? That you are watching yourself live life from the outside?  I feel like I’m outside my body, watching myself from above, “live” life.  And I put live in quotes because I’m not living right now, I’m just getting by.  I struggle to get up in the morning.  When I do, I get ready – barely.  I do bathe or shower most days, but I rarely wear makeup.  I don’t put on my nice clothes – why?  I do finally make it to work or get to my tasks on the weekends.. but barely.  At work I can focus on most tasks, but it feels like it takes much longer than normal.  Then I go home at night, get into my pajamas and do nothing. I am watching a bunch of series on Netflix and Amazon, I’m just home.
All this time, I’m doing nothing, my mind is spinning.  spinning and spinning on everything.  I cant stop it unless I’m sleeping or high (I just got my medicinal marijuana license).  As I’m doing all this “living”, I’m outside myself, watching over, screaming at myself to get off my ass and get going.
So I know I need to get up, get going, and do the things that will turn life around for me. But I don’t do them. It’s been going on for a while now, and I have to wonder why I haven’t pulled out of this funk or why I am sabotaging myself.
Have you ever felt this way – that you know what you need to do, but you continue down the same path, not moving forward.. ?  How did you get out of it?

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 N's grandma, his mother, contacted me last week.  I didn't answer the phone, she left a message: "Hi L, this is soandso, I would like to talk to you about seeing N.  I hope you will find it in your heart to let me see her.  Please call me back."

I did not.  N has finally stopped talking about her spermdonor - I don't want to get that started back up again.  Not to mention this woman stole from me (A $800 tv, $1000 generator and $3k out of the bank account) and her granddaughter basically at a time when I was struggling mightily.  Never did she offer to help or check on N.  Yes, she did show up at the house that ONE time - unannounced - um no - you need to talk to me first.  Why would I want someone who so clearly has no moral compass around my daughter? I don't.  Not to mention she raised a monster.  A small part of me feels like I'm being spiteful and perhaps I should reconsider.  A friend of mine said I should offer a supervised visit at the local McD by me - but I'm just not ready for that.  Sue me.

K is about the same.  Maybe a little improved with the depression.  I'm still trying to find a residential treatment facility for her - I found one I really liked but even with my insurance they still wanted $5k up front - don't have that kind of money sorry.

M is doing pretty well still - she's definitely not like she was before but she doesn't have as many problems as K.  When I say before - M used to be confident, try anything, easygoing, adventurous, outgoing - now she is more selfconscious, anxious, backward, and cautious.  I swear if I had the chance I'd kill him with my bare hands.  He took so much from them.

He took from me also.  It's been two years almost and I'm so closed off from people.  I don't trust anyone and I can't let down my guard.  I keep the real me hidden. I read an article on betrayal recently and it talked about how when the life you thought you were living turns out to be a lie, you don't trust your own judgement anymore and that is so true.  I still obsess alot over how I didn't see what was really going on and I still feel so guilty.  It's also affected my parenting.  Even though I try, I feel as though I'm a pretender to the throne.  I feel as if my girls don't really trust me as a parent because I failed so spectacularly.  That they don't trust my judgement and see me as lacking.  It's hard to parent when you feel you are not fit to parent.

N is doing good.  She brings me so much joy as well as the girls.  She is what holds us all together I think.

Things are going ok - not fantastic but not terrible either.  K is on home bound now meeting with a teacher two days per week and going to therapy once per week.  While she can still be volatile and still voices some concerning thoughts about suicide, I do feel we are better than we were. 

M is doing well - I would say very well but she's been having some friend problems.  While I would prefer her to make a new group of friends since I'm not really impressed with her current group, I was becoming concerned that she was becoming depressed and withdrawn since she wasn't hanging out with them like she had been and wasn't making any effort to make new friends.  Within the last couple weeks that has changed and I'm less concerned.  She is doing well in school and our relationship has also improved by leaps and bounds.

N is her little happy self.  She is growing up too fast and starting to sound more mature and I'm sad, but I know that's how it goes.  I am glad I kept her in the schools I have because she seems less worldly than the girls did at her age, and I think part of that is because of what the girl's dad exposed them to and the fact that they were in a program that was extremely large and the base was more lower middle to lower income rather than N's current one which is higher, upper, middle income.  Not to say there aren't a few kids on the lower income scale, but they are the minority not the majority which is the opposite of what the girls grew up in.

Me, I'm doing ok. Had a hopefully minor financial setback that I hope won't turn into a major one.  Please keep us in your prayers.

If you are reading this and your child was molested, it does get better.  We are close to two years out and starting to feel a little normal again. 

I'm hoping that we are turning the corner.  Lately we really seem to be coming together as a family again and hopefully leaving the terrible times behind -  I know it's not gonna be smooth but things are better and that gives me hope.  We have all become so much closer and loving with each other and it makes me so happy.  As I look back I see the mistakes I made and how my go along to get along nature contributed to the problem.  I see that my low self esteem and poor self confidence made it easy for him.  I look back now and am amazed at how easily I was manipulated.  It's hard to admit and it makes me feel like shit, but only by recognizing my mistakes can I correct them. 

My oldest daughter K and I were just talking about some stuff and I realized that in my whole life I've never been single and lived alone.  From the time I was 13 until I was 16 I had a boyfriend, then from 16-22 a different one, then from 23-2004 I was with my oldest girls dad, then after I divorced him I was only single for about 2 months then I lived with a guy for about 2 years, then after less than a month I met N's dad and we started seeing each other and moved in together after about 6 months. Pathetic I know BUT I have been single now for over a year and living on my own and surprise surprise doing better than I ever have in my life financially and emotionally.  I can only imagine how much more successful I would have been in life had I not tied myself to men all the time because honestly they were like anchors around my feet always. 

This article was the beginning of my epiphany but it still took a while because the monster only exhibited a couple of these signs BUT any of them are still bad and I didn't pick up on it - the main ones being quick attachment and expression and entitlement with bad stories and eventually came walking on eggshells but by then it was too late.

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

If a man has any of the characteristics on the above list - he's bad news and you need to get away AS FAST AS YOU CAN

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but before Christmas I received  a message from a guy I had a very brief rebound thing with when I was 16.  I mean like we talked for like a week lol.  The message was something like this, "hey kristi I know we haven't talked to each other in a long time but I have something I'd like to give to you.  Please contact me at this number".  I was like what???? I haven't seen or talked to this guy in like 25 years what could he possibly have to give me.  I was at a football game so I didn't text him til later that evening and he calls me and tells me that he feels led by God to give me some money to help me out with Christmas.  I was flabbergasted.  I was in disbelief.  I didn't know what to think.  I was like are you serious? Is this a joke? Which I remembered hearing at some time or another that he had become very religious and maybe was even a preacher so that was in the back of my mind.  Well he was serious and he gave me $300.  I'm not kidding.  He does have a good job and owns his own farm, but still. 

Last week he contacts me again and says they had slaughtered some cattle on his farm and he wants to give me some and also some money.  Sure enough he meets me and gives me a huge bag of hamburger, steaks, and roasts and $300. 

He says that it makes him feel good to help people that are trying and doing their best and it's hard to find people willing to accept help. 

I call him my guardian angel.

Yesterday we were at gymnastics and I saw a father watching his daughter and the love and pride in his gaze was so sweet and I HATE HATE HATE that N doesn't have that (neither do M or K but they have accepted it and while they do still long for it I'm sure it's not as apparent as it is with N) and it just kills me that she doesn't have it.  It's so unfair.

I know he is a monster.  He is evil.  I despise him with every fiber of my being.  I know I can't comprehend what he's done because it is incomprehensible to anyone who isn't like him. 

Last week we were waiting for a pizza in the car and I heard a noise from N and I looked in my rearview mirror and sure enough she was crying.  I was taken aback and asked her what was wrong and she proceeded to tell me she missed her daddy.  When I say she was crying I mean she was heaving and everything.  It was awful.  Heartbreaking.  I told her that I was glad she was talking about her feelings and she can always tell me when she feels upset about something  I said sometimes it's good to cry about things that upset us because crying makes us feel better.  I told her it was ok to feel that way and I was sorry she was sad.  What else do you say?

I would like to write him a letter and tell him about all the harm he has caused these kids but you know what's even worse, I think he would enjoy it; but even if he didn't, he still wouldn't care because he's not human, he's a monster.  I've come to realize how much he liked to manipulate people and play with them like puppets or game pieces for his entertainment.  How much he enjoyed flaunting your own ignorance of his actual actions/behaviors right in front of you but in a way that only he knew - that now I realize he was doing but never would have if the events hadn't come to light the way they did.  Giving him an recognition would only please him.  Making him irrelevant is the only way to hurt him - taking away his power that's his Achilles heel.  I'm sooooooooooooo thankful CPS stripped him of his rights and basically his family too.  I hope they all get hit by the karma bus the sooner the better.

NEVER GIVE ANYONE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT - ALWAYS OPERATE FROM THE POSITION OF GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR FAMILY. 

Things can be fixed later, make the children safe first.

Christmas for the Girls - I think I may have went a wee bit overboard BUT we had a sucky christmas last year so..........

N (5 years old)
Santa present - Island Princess dollhouse/vanity (can be used as a dollhouse or vanity it's like convertible) with a bench seat that can house the accessories and two barbies

DSi with three games
My Little Pony Friendship Castle with three ponies
My Little Pony walkie talkies
Doc McStuffin's mobile play tent with dr kit
Playdoh Set
Jewlrey box
Snow boots
Elsa/Olaf game
Butterfly in a Jar (her request)

M (13 almost 14)
Xbox 360 w/wireless controller headset and 4 games
Northface osito jacket

K (15)
Ralph Lauren Riding boots
Northface osito jacket

Both older girls
wireless bluetooth speaker
makeup set
makeup brush set
portable USB stick charger for iPhone
perfume
bath/body works set

Judy - she is currently on 90 mg of cymbalta and 5 mg of abilify but he just recently added the 30g of cymbalta she was on 60mg I hope it helps too I wish there was  a generic version of abilify that stuff is expensive even with insurance!!!

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well so far so good with the program BUT according to K they have not done any individual therapy with her yet so yesterday I called them one to confirm that which was true and two asked about it so hopefully they will get that going -  K also says group therapy not must substance to it so not sure if that is helping either but at least she goes without complaint she did say she liked going there better than regular school which is sad - I loved going to school and being with my friends - she confirmed again with this place that she had been sexually molested which is good I think that she is bringing it out in the open and maybe this is why she is starting to do better because she's not keeping it secret any longer - for some reason I am having a harder time believing that this happened to her although I don't let her know that - mostly because she didn't tell in the beginning when it all came out about her sister even though I asked her repeatedly as did the forensic psychologist that interviewed them for the case but I understand that she wasn't ready

M is doing pretty well still - I wish K had M's resilience - I mean maybe M will have trouble later I don't know but right now she seems to be doing fantastic - she also has good self esteem and doesn't let people's opinions dictate her life which I wish K had

N is still her little joyful self and she has started to be able to talk about her dad without breaking down - it's still sad but it helps to know that she is coming to terms with his status.

This excercise program I have started has done wonders for me I wish I had done it a long time ago, but better late than never!

well K is now enrolled in that 7 week program - starts tomorrow.  I have high hopes - which normally I'm usually a little more pessimistic thinking when it comes to expectations as in hope for the best expect the worst but the guy we worked with really seemed to know what he was talking about and he seemed to be able to communicate with K in a way that seemed hopeful - plz plz plz let this work out - I kinda wish they offered a longer term BUT it's better than nothing!!!

things have been pretty calm since the last crisis with K but that's pretty much because I haven't been rocking the boat - in other words making any demands or expectations for K.

Her diagnosis as of now:

severe clinical depression with rule out for psychosis
generalized anxiety disorder with rule out for PTSD

he said she said some things during their one on one interview that were kinda red flaggy for psychosis but not so blatant that alarms were going off so they are going to attempt to rule it out - I know exactly what he means when he said this so I'm kinda glad to hear he thought it to

he thinks she might have PTSD which could be causing the anxiety and other things

I was very impressed

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still doing my 7 minute workout going on about three weeks I think - I'm proud of myself.  I love this because 1)it's quick, 2) can do at home no equipment needed.  I'm sooooooooo glad I read about this workout plan.  I can really tell a difference in how I feel physically and mentally.

Judy  you just don't know how much your comments mean to me and thank you soooooooooo much for your encouragement and support.

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weekend was pretty good but BUSY.  Cheer comp sat had to be up at 6am - it was a super beautiful day temps in 70s took N to park/playground after comp surly teenagers were invited but chose not to go and honestly I was glad they just would have complained and asked to go home about 15 minutes after we got there so N and I stayed until dark.  These two dads with two kids each that I think were brothers too entertained all the kids on the playground for a good hour with the flying fox cable thingy the other moms and I were like we should be paying them lol

went to the hs playoff game sat night and was having a good time til the 2nd quarter and K asks to go to car and get her phone - she wsa with a boy - and I said you have 10 minutes and then she proceeds to ignore my phone calls/texts til I actually leave to go check on them and meet them coming in the gate.  We left I told her she was grounded and she has the nerve to act like she doesn't understand.  January can't come soon enough.  She is just not even trying.  I'm afraid to punish her too much because I'm afraid she will hurt herself - you can't parent like that.  So she is going to have to go somewhere where she can't hurt herself AND she is given limits and learns how to accept them.  Everytime I give her the benefit of the doubt she plays me for a fool again.

lots going on not sure why I haven't posted but I'm just gonna jump back in to the present:

1.  CPS thing still not over but I think it will be soon had to send in release to counselor could talk to social worker (um didn't have to sign a release when she reported me! lol)

2.  tax thing fixed - sent in copies of my taxes and birth certificates they have retracted the lock in letter designating me as single no allowances back to my original status YAY!!!

3. K not much better - she was doing pretty well and then bam crashes and burns again.  Hope is on the horizon changing her to a program recommended by school for 6-8 weeks if she doesn't do better then looks like she will be going to residential treatment center for up to 3 months maybe 6 - they call it.

4.   looks like K and M's dad lost/quit his job, no child support this month :( bummer

5.  M's team won their cheer comp this past weekend YAY!!!!  She was so happy.

6.  Car at dealership this morning hopefully fixing the shocks and door handle problem thank god it's still under warranty!

7.  Been feeling a little lonely lately for someone to share my life with and feeling like that is never gonna happen for me due to my situation.  Just don't think the girls will be able to handle it especially K.

8.  Gonna start working on a plan - I know I've said it before but at least I have good intentions!