Yesterday we were at gymnastics and I saw a father watching his daughter and the love and pride in his gaze was so sweet and I HATE HATE HATE that N doesn't have that (neither do M or K but they have accepted it and while they do still long for it I'm sure it's not as apparent as it is with N) and it just kills me that she doesn't have it.  It's so unfair.

I know he is a monster.  He is evil.  I despise him with every fiber of my being.  I know I can't comprehend what he's done because it is incomprehensible to anyone who isn't like him. 

Last week we were waiting for a pizza in the car and I heard a noise from N and I looked in my rearview mirror and sure enough she was crying.  I was taken aback and asked her what was wrong and she proceeded to tell me she missed her daddy.  When I say she was crying I mean she was heaving and everything.  It was awful.  Heartbreaking.  I told her that I was glad she was talking about her feelings and she can always tell me when she feels upset about something  I said sometimes it's good to cry about things that upset us because crying makes us feel better.  I told her it was ok to feel that way and I was sorry she was sad.  What else do you say?

I would like to write him a letter and tell him about all the harm he has caused these kids but you know what's even worse, I think he would enjoy it; but even if he didn't, he still wouldn't care because he's not human, he's a monster.  I've come to realize how much he liked to manipulate people and play with them like puppets or game pieces for his entertainment.  How much he enjoyed flaunting your own ignorance of his actual actions/behaviors right in front of you but in a way that only he knew - that now I realize he was doing but never would have if the events hadn't come to light the way they did.  Giving him an recognition would only please him.  Making him irrelevant is the only way to hurt him - taking away his power that's his Achilles heel.  I'm sooooooooooooo thankful CPS stripped him of his rights and basically his family too.  I hope they all get hit by the karma bus the sooner the better.

NEVER GIVE ANYONE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT - ALWAYS OPERATE FROM THE POSITION OF GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR FAMILY. 

Things can be fixed later, make the children safe first.

Christmas for the Girls - I think I may have went a wee bit overboard BUT we had a sucky christmas last year so..........

N (5 years old)
Santa present - Island Princess dollhouse/vanity (can be used as a dollhouse or vanity it's like convertible) with a bench seat that can house the accessories and two barbies

DSi with three games
My Little Pony Friendship Castle with three ponies
My Little Pony walkie talkies
Doc McStuffin's mobile play tent with dr kit
Playdoh Set
Jewlrey box
Snow boots
Elsa/Olaf game
Butterfly in a Jar (her request)

M (13 almost 14)
Xbox 360 w/wireless controller headset and 4 games
Northface osito jacket

K (15)
Ralph Lauren Riding boots
Northface osito jacket

Both older girls
wireless bluetooth speaker
makeup set
makeup brush set
portable USB stick charger for iPhone
perfume
bath/body works set

Judy - she is currently on 90 mg of cymbalta and 5 mg of abilify but he just recently added the 30g of cymbalta she was on 60mg I hope it helps too I wish there was  a generic version of abilify that stuff is expensive even with insurance!!!

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well so far so good with the program BUT according to K they have not done any individual therapy with her yet so yesterday I called them one to confirm that which was true and two asked about it so hopefully they will get that going -  K also says group therapy not must substance to it so not sure if that is helping either but at least she goes without complaint she did say she liked going there better than regular school which is sad - I loved going to school and being with my friends - she confirmed again with this place that she had been sexually molested which is good I think that she is bringing it out in the open and maybe this is why she is starting to do better because she's not keeping it secret any longer - for some reason I am having a harder time believing that this happened to her although I don't let her know that - mostly because she didn't tell in the beginning when it all came out about her sister even though I asked her repeatedly as did the forensic psychologist that interviewed them for the case but I understand that she wasn't ready

M is doing pretty well still - I wish K had M's resilience - I mean maybe M will have trouble later I don't know but right now she seems to be doing fantastic - she also has good self esteem and doesn't let people's opinions dictate her life which I wish K had

N is still her little joyful self and she has started to be able to talk about her dad without breaking down - it's still sad but it helps to know that she is coming to terms with his status.

This excercise program I have started has done wonders for me I wish I had done it a long time ago, but better late than never!

well K is now enrolled in that 7 week program - starts tomorrow.  I have high hopes - which normally I'm usually a little more pessimistic thinking when it comes to expectations as in hope for the best expect the worst but the guy we worked with really seemed to know what he was talking about and he seemed to be able to communicate with K in a way that seemed hopeful - plz plz plz let this work out - I kinda wish they offered a longer term BUT it's better than nothing!!!

things have been pretty calm since the last crisis with K but that's pretty much because I haven't been rocking the boat - in other words making any demands or expectations for K.

Her diagnosis as of now:

severe clinical depression with rule out for psychosis
generalized anxiety disorder with rule out for PTSD

he said she said some things during their one on one interview that were kinda red flaggy for psychosis but not so blatant that alarms were going off so they are going to attempt to rule it out - I know exactly what he means when he said this so I'm kinda glad to hear he thought it to

he thinks she might have PTSD which could be causing the anxiety and other things

I was very impressed

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still doing my 7 minute workout going on about three weeks I think - I'm proud of myself.  I love this because 1)it's quick, 2) can do at home no equipment needed.  I'm sooooooooo glad I read about this workout plan.  I can really tell a difference in how I feel physically and mentally.

Judy  you just don't know how much your comments mean to me and thank you soooooooooo much for your encouragement and support.

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weekend was pretty good but BUSY.  Cheer comp sat had to be up at 6am - it was a super beautiful day temps in 70s took N to park/playground after comp surly teenagers were invited but chose not to go and honestly I was glad they just would have complained and asked to go home about 15 minutes after we got there so N and I stayed until dark.  These two dads with two kids each that I think were brothers too entertained all the kids on the playground for a good hour with the flying fox cable thingy the other moms and I were like we should be paying them lol

went to the hs playoff game sat night and was having a good time til the 2nd quarter and K asks to go to car and get her phone - she wsa with a boy - and I said you have 10 minutes and then she proceeds to ignore my phone calls/texts til I actually leave to go check on them and meet them coming in the gate.  We left I told her she was grounded and she has the nerve to act like she doesn't understand.  January can't come soon enough.  She is just not even trying.  I'm afraid to punish her too much because I'm afraid she will hurt herself - you can't parent like that.  So she is going to have to go somewhere where she can't hurt herself AND she is given limits and learns how to accept them.  Everytime I give her the benefit of the doubt she plays me for a fool again.

lots going on not sure why I haven't posted but I'm just gonna jump back in to the present:

1.  CPS thing still not over but I think it will be soon had to send in release to counselor could talk to social worker (um didn't have to sign a release when she reported me! lol)

2.  tax thing fixed - sent in copies of my taxes and birth certificates they have retracted the lock in letter designating me as single no allowances back to my original status YAY!!!

3. K not much better - she was doing pretty well and then bam crashes and burns again.  Hope is on the horizon changing her to a program recommended by school for 6-8 weeks if she doesn't do better then looks like she will be going to residential treatment center for up to 3 months maybe 6 - they call it.

4.   looks like K and M's dad lost/quit his job, no child support this month :( bummer

5.  M's team won their cheer comp this past weekend YAY!!!!  She was so happy.

6.  Car at dealership this morning hopefully fixing the shocks and door handle problem thank god it's still under warranty!

7.  Been feeling a little lonely lately for someone to share my life with and feeling like that is never gonna happen for me due to my situation.  Just don't think the girls will be able to handle it especially K.

8.  Gonna start working on a plan - I know I've said it before but at least I have good intentions!

well haven't posted in some time - life just gets in the way sometimes.

turns out my daughter M's therapist is the one that made the report to CPS AND it turns out this was from something that my daughter told her in August AND in her notes it wasn't real clear AND she got it wrong - yes she waits a month to report it but she's a mandatory reporter - I was furious.  When we went to therapy the next week M told her therapist about it and she realized she had made a mistake in what she reported, she at least was man enough to take responsibility and let me know that she was the one but I'm still blown away by this.  Granted she has not known us that long - M's original therapist got a new job - but still, don't you think you would be SURE of what you heard before you report it?  However, since the therapist has admitted her mistake this will hopefully blow over with no problem, it already would be I think but the original worker is no longer on that unit and the case is being reassigned - ridiculous.

Got a letter from the IRS and my exemption is being changed to single due to the tax shenanigans by the ex.  I normally claim 8 because I always get money back at the end of the year and I want my money during the year not as a lump sum at the end because as a single mother of three with NO child support, I need all the money I can get.  So, supposed to get my first paycheck like that this week, this will be a bad month financially.  I have contacted the tax payer advocate and they are going to assist me with getting it changed to 4, but that will probably take up to 30 days.

Luckily the girls seem to be doing ok right now (knock on wood), so that is one thing to be thankful for and I am because ultimately that is the most important thing.

Pray for us please.