I'm afraid. I'm so afraid.  My oldest daughter just seems to be on a path to destruction.  I can't bear it.  We talk to each other, but it's like nothing gets through to her. I see her making bad decision after bad decision.  I just found out a bunch of stuff I didn't know last night because she posted some stuff to her instagram.  It's so hard to write this post because I feel so responsible, I'm her mother, it's my fault that she is the way she is.  I found out she has been drinking (she told me that when I let her to with her friends to a festival that the older sister had alcohol and she stole some of it and has been drinking it at night to go to sleep), that she has had sex, that she still feels alone and wishes she were dead, and that she hates everyone except her family).  She posted all this online for all of her peers to see.  I did make her delete it when I found it but I don't really understand why she posted it.  I've called her therapist today to talk to her about it but she hasn't called me back yet.  I'm seriously thinking of putting her in some kind of residential treatment because I feel like I can't get through to her, that she needs something that I can't give her, that maybe in a  more structured setting with daily counseling and monitoring she might get better.  I'm so afraid for her to start high school if she is still feeling like this, so unmotivated, so hostile, so sad, so broken.  I love her so much but it's like she is in a place I can't reach no matter how hard I try.  It's like we speak different languages.  She told me the other day that I'm just too happy for her to be around.  She can't understand how I can still be hopeful for the future after living through so many terrible things in my life, she thinks life is just too hard and would rather just not be here. 

My oldest daughter suffers from depression.  When her biological father and I divorced, I took her and her sister to counseling (they did play therapy) to help them deal with the divorce and him.  She was diagnosed at 5 with slight anxiety and depression when they did her psychological testing.  I wish I had taken that more seriously.  She has always had issues with anger since the divorce.  There was a time when I didn't leave her alone with her little sister because I was afraid that she would hurt her (this was from around the time she was 5-8).  I really didn't think she would, but I also didn't want to take a chance.  Although what we have been through definitely did not help her situation, I think it would have happened anyway. 

I know I did not really understand depression until last year.  There is a great blog post http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html that I read that helped me really understand what it is like to be depressed.  Even now, sometimes I lose sight of how she feels.  I hate that she feels this way and I hate that there is nothing I can really do for her - she is in treatment and I hope this will not be her life forever, but I'm so afraid, well honestly, I think she has chronic depression, that it is something she will have to struggle with her whole life.  I truly believe had her bio father been a decent human being and we could have stayed married that perhaps she would not have developed this disease and it would have stayed dormant because until our divorce she was a very kind, helpful, happy child.  I thought I knew so much at that time in my life, but I really was dumb - I never thought about what he would be like as a Dad I just loved him, but now oh how I wish I had considered that before getting involved with any man.

My middle daughter is really doing better every day.  Since the last talk her therapist had with her about therapy, I no longer have to make her go or face an argument the day of the appt.  She has stayed home more and seems to enjoy being with her family more.  I cannot even express how happy that makes me.  I know she will not escape what happened to her unscathed but it is my hope that she will overcome it and thrive.

I am so thankful that the young girl whom he was grooming took the actions she did, if she hadn't I would have never discovered what he was doing.  Although looking back, I probably should have, I never had suspicious that he was a pedophile and if it hadn't been for her I probably never would have thought it.

last night before we went to sleep my littlest daughter said to me, "Mommy don't ever leave me.".  How heartbreaking is that? It's sad that at four years old she has even conceived of that concept thanks to her biological father's terrible actions.  I knew it would affect her - one day Daddy is here and then poof, never seen again.  For a while I distracted her with he's working because how do you explain to a four year old such terrible things? You can't.  Eventually though I had to explain to her that she was not going to see her dad again.  I told her he was in timeout, for a while that was enough but then she wanted to know why.  I told her that it was too complicated for her to understand but that he had broken the rules, that even adults have rules, and because he had, he was in timeout just like she is when she doesn't follow the rules.  She has cried a few times and it breaks my heart.  She used to be so carefree and confident and although she still is sometimes, I also see that this early introduction that the world is not a safe place, that it is a place where Daddy's disappear,  I truly believe has made her more anxious and fearful than she would have been had this not taken place.

What a selfish terrible father he is to put his perverted needs above his own daughter.  I know he never thought he would be caught, but still it's just sickening.  I also wonder if would have molested her as she got older and I think the answer is yes, sometimes I think he may have already.  There was a couple of times where she hunched me when we were playing and at the time I didn't pay it any mind I just thought it was an accident but now I see it with eyes that have been opened to the evilness of child predators and I am appalled that I was in love with this sick pathetic creature that could do this to his own daughter.  It's bad enough he did it to a child, but even his own daughter?????  She was examined by a forensic sexual abuse expert and they found no evidence in her interview or examination to indicate abuse, but I remember those couple of instances and I wonder.  I have also questioned her and she never indicated he had ever touched her anywhere, but the doubt I have will never go away. 

Why would anyone think it's ok to sexually touch a child? My mind can't even conceive of such a desire, it just seems so wrong and sickening.  I hate that I was associated with this man in any way.  My little daughter is the only good thing that resulted from our relationship, and she is a joy and has honestly brought my daughters and I closer to each other, even after what her father did.  Her innocence and  joie de vivre is infectious and I think has helped us survive the tragic events of last year.

A quote from an article about hyperthermia cases (children left in cars that die from overheating):

"Humans, Hickling said, have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.

In hyperthermia cases, he believes, the parents are demonized for much the same reasons. “We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay. So, when this kind of thing happens to other people, we need to put them in a different category from us. We don’t want to resemble them, and the fact that we might is too terrifying to deal with. So, they have to be monsters.”

In a way it's the same thing with molestation.   It's easier to avoid thinking, talking about this because no one wants to face the reality that there is a significant amount of people in the world that perpetrate this crime everyday behind closed doors.   It's easier to think that mom didn't watch her kids carefully enough, she's a bad mother, the kids were at fault, the father was "weird".  This crime happens to kids every day in families you would NEVER suspect.  It really is an epidemic but no one wants to admit it, everyone just wants to keep it quiet because it's easier to pretend it's not happening than face the ugly truth.

I remember the first time I ever saw this show on Dr Phil http://www.drphil.com/slideshows/slideshow/6644/?id=6644&showID=1757 and I remember thinking bullshit.  There was no way she didn't know.  Now, I know different.

A few of the times that my daughter was molested, it was while I was in bed asleep and her sister sleeping above her in the bunk bed.  He would come home from work (he worked night shift) and go into their room and do things.  I'm not going to talk about what exactly he did because I don't feel that is necessary, but don't ever think that just because they share a room with a sibling they are safe.   They aren't.  My older daughter said she suspected something but she was afraid to look and too scared to say anything.  That is the reality of this type of behavior.  It's so sick and disgusting no one wants to believe it's actually happening.  It's so hard for me to believe this happened while I was in our bedroom asleep.  That's how devious and slick they are to do such things while their wife is in their bed sleeping.  I wish I had woke up and caught him and had a gun so I could've gunned him down like the vermin he is.

My older daughter also told me later that he and my middle daughter would take "naps" together and she thought it was weird but never said anything.  This was when he was home with them after school/during the summer while I was at work and he either was on night/eve shift or not working.  Many times it happened while they were home alone together because my older daughter was involved in extracurricular activities so she wasn't home.

Yesterday after therapy, I was thinking about how twisted and evil some people are, it's hard for me to understand because I'm not made that way, that people like to hurt people, that they like to destroy things that are good and  beautiful.  That they get pleasure out of tormenting.  It's hard to wrap my mind around that concept, but it's true.  These people exist in the world.  It's scary.  I read a story yesterday about a woman who abused and tortured a 4 year old boy left in her care because his dad had to go to jail for six months or something like that for no reason other than she is just a sick twisted individual.  Some people just like to control and hurt people who are vulnerable.  He was like that I think now, I think he enjoyed fooling me, that was part of the thrill.  Knowing that I thought I was creating this good life and it was all really just total shit.  I was trying to give my kids a good start in life and he pretended he was helping me and all the time he was going behind my back and sabotaging me.

I hope he dies a slow and agonizing and painful death when it comes.  The worse that anyone has ever experienced.

My middle daughter, the one who was sexually abused, "seems" so well adjusted.  Honestly, sometimes it's hard to reconcile that this actually happened to her.  She just seems so "normal".  We don' t talk about it.  Not that I haven't offered to talk about it, but I don't pressure her to talk about it and for obvious reasons I think she prefers not to talk to me about it.  If I was in her position I wouldn't want to talk to my mom about it either.

Whenever I tell her how sorry I am, she always acts embarrassed like she's the one who did something wrong.  I have told her repeatedly that she was manipulated by someone older than her who was in an authority position and she has NOTHING to be ashamed of or to apologize for that we are the ones who failed her.  As I've said before I've done a lot of reading about this and I know that kids feel guilty but they shouldn't.  They were taken advantage of by someone exploiting their vulnerability and trust.  I hate him so much.

On Father's day his son posted a picture of them together on Instagram and said something like "Best summer of my life wish I could go back to this time.".  I was disgusted.  I know this is his father, in fact when I disclosed to him what had happened he was understanding but also made it clear that even though his father had done this, he was still his Dad.  I'm not sure I would feel the same, but I've always been a grudge holder so maybe that's why.  I def wouldn't have posted a picture of him on Father's Day.  

having been an only child it's hard for me to understand sibling interaction - I seem to be a little to sensitive to their conflicts.  I'm working on this but it's really hard for me to handle it in a manner that is helpful.  It's mostly between the older two, but on occasion there is a little bit between the middle and youngest who are over 9 years apart. 

I often worry what will happen when the girls are older.  The youngest will at some point have to know the truth about her biological father and about what happened.  I can't even imagine how we will all deal with that.  It scares me.

Luckily the older too don't harbor or don't seem to harbor any ill feeling towards their younger sister for her origin.