Tuesday, May 5, 2015

I've been in a funk lately - just generally feeling worn out and exhausted.  Quit exercising in the mornings because I could barely manage enough energy to get out of bed to get ready for work much less exercise.  This blogger pretty much nailed it


Do you ever have that feeling? That you are watching yourself live life from the outside?  I feel like I’m outside my body, watching myself from above, “live” life.  And I put live in quotes because I’m not living right now, I’m just getting by.  I struggle to get up in the morning.  When I do, I get ready – barely.  I do bathe or shower most days, but I rarely wear makeup.  I don’t put on my nice clothes – why?  I do finally make it to work or get to my tasks on the weekends.. but barely.  At work I can focus on most tasks, but it feels like it takes much longer than normal.  Then I go home at night, get into my pajamas and do nothing. I am watching a bunch of series on Netflix and Amazon, I’m just home.
All this time, I’m doing nothing, my mind is spinning.  spinning and spinning on everything.  I cant stop it unless I’m sleeping or high (I just got my medicinal marijuana license).  As I’m doing all this “living”, I’m outside myself, watching over, screaming at myself to get off my ass and get going.
So I know I need to get up, get going, and do the things that will turn life around for me. But I don’t do them. It’s been going on for a while now, and I have to wonder why I haven’t pulled out of this funk or why I am sabotaging myself.
Have you ever felt this way – that you know what you need to do, but you continue down the same path, not moving forward.. ?  How did you get out of it?


 N's grandma, his mother, contacted me last week.  I didn't answer the phone, she left a message: "Hi L, this is soandso, I would like to talk to you about seeing N.  I hope you will find it in your heart to let me see her.  Please call me back."

I did not.  N has finally stopped talking about her spermdonor - I don't want to get that started back up again.  Not to mention this woman stole from me (A $800 tv, $1000 generator and $3k out of the bank account) and her granddaughter basically at a time when I was struggling mightily.  Never did she offer to help or check on N.  Yes, she did show up at the house that ONE time - unannounced - um no - you need to talk to me first.  Why would I want someone who so clearly has no moral compass around my daughter? I don't.  Not to mention she raised a monster.  A small part of me feels like I'm being spiteful and perhaps I should reconsider.  A friend of mine said I should offer a supervised visit at the local McD by me - but I'm just not ready for that.  Sue me.

K is about the same.  Maybe a little improved with the depression.  I'm still trying to find a residential treatment facility for her - I found one I really liked but even with my insurance they still wanted $5k up front - don't have that kind of money sorry.

M is doing pretty well still - she's definitely not like she was before but she doesn't have as many problems as K.  When I say before - M used to be confident, try anything, easygoing, adventurous, outgoing - now she is more selfconscious, anxious, backward, and cautious.  I swear if I had the chance I'd kill him with my bare hands.  He took so much from them.

He took from me also.  It's been two years almost and I'm so closed off from people.  I don't trust anyone and I can't let down my guard.  I keep the real me hidden. I read an article on betrayal recently and it talked about how when the life you thought you were living turns out to be a lie, you don't trust your own judgement anymore and that is so true.  I still obsess alot over how I didn't see what was really going on and I still feel so guilty.  It's also affected my parenting.  Even though I try, I feel as though I'm a pretender to the throne.  I feel as if my girls don't really trust me as a parent because I failed so spectacularly.  That they don't trust my judgement and see me as lacking.  It's hard to parent when you feel you are not fit to parent.

N is doing good.  She brings me so much joy as well as the girls.  She is what holds us all together I think.