Monday, June 30, 2014

I'm afraid. I'm so afraid.  My oldest daughter just seems to be on a path to destruction.  I can't bear it.  We talk to each other, but it's like nothing gets through to her. I see her making bad decision after bad decision.  I just found out a bunch of stuff I didn't know last night because she posted some stuff to her instagram.  It's so hard to write this post because I feel so responsible, I'm her mother, it's my fault that she is the way she is.  I found out she has been drinking (she told me that when I let her to with her friends to a festival that the older sister had alcohol and she stole some of it and has been drinking it at night to go to sleep), that she has had sex, that she still feels alone and wishes she were dead, and that she hates everyone except her family).  She posted all this online for all of her peers to see.  I did make her delete it when I found it but I don't really understand why she posted it.  I've called her therapist today to talk to her about it but she hasn't called me back yet.  I'm seriously thinking of putting her in some kind of residential treatment because I feel like I can't get through to her, that she needs something that I can't give her, that maybe in a  more structured setting with daily counseling and monitoring she might get better.  I'm so afraid for her to start high school if she is still feeling like this, so unmotivated, so hostile, so sad, so broken.  I love her so much but it's like she is in a place I can't reach no matter how hard I try.  It's like we speak different languages.  She told me the other day that I'm just too happy for her to be around.  She can't understand how I can still be hopeful for the future after living through so many terrible things in my life, she thinks life is just too hard and would rather just not be here. 

Thursday, June 26, 2014

My oldest daughter suffers from depression.  When her biological father and I divorced, I took her and her sister to counseling (they did play therapy) to help them deal with the divorce and him.  She was diagnosed at 5 with slight anxiety and depression when they did her psychological testing.  I wish I had taken that more seriously.  She has always had issues with anger since the divorce.  There was a time when I didn't leave her alone with her little sister because I was afraid that she would hurt her (this was from around the time she was 5-8).  I really didn't think she would, but I also didn't want to take a chance.  Although what we have been through definitely did not help her situation, I think it would have happened anyway. 

I know I did not really understand depression until last year.  There is a great blog post that I read that helped me really understand what it is like to be depressed.  Even now, sometimes I lose sight of how she feels.  I hate that she feels this way and I hate that there is nothing I can really do for her - she is in treatment and I hope this will not be her life forever, but I'm so afraid, well honestly, I think she has chronic depression, that it is something she will have to struggle with her whole life.  I truly believe had her bio father been a decent human being and we could have stayed married that perhaps she would not have developed this disease and it would have stayed dormant because until our divorce she was a very kind, helpful, happy child.  I thought I knew so much at that time in my life, but I really was dumb - I never thought about what he would be like as a Dad I just loved him, but now oh how I wish I had considered that before getting involved with any man.

My middle daughter is really doing better every day.  Since the last talk her therapist had with her about therapy, I no longer have to make her go or face an argument the day of the appt.  She has stayed home more and seems to enjoy being with her family more.  I cannot even express how happy that makes me.  I know she will not escape what happened to her unscathed but it is my hope that she will overcome it and thrive.

I am so thankful that the young girl whom he was grooming took the actions she did, if she hadn't I would have never discovered what he was doing.  Although looking back, I probably should have, I never had suspicious that he was a pedophile and if it hadn't been for her I probably never would have thought it.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

last night before we went to sleep my littlest daughter said to me, "Mommy don't ever leave me.".  How heartbreaking is that? It's sad that at four years old she has even conceived of that concept thanks to her biological father's terrible actions.  I knew it would affect her - one day Daddy is here and then poof, never seen again.  For a while I distracted her with he's working because how do you explain to a four year old such terrible things? You can't.  Eventually though I had to explain to her that she was not going to see her dad again.  I told her he was in timeout, for a while that was enough but then she wanted to know why.  I told her that it was too complicated for her to understand but that he had broken the rules, that even adults have rules, and because he had, he was in timeout just like she is when she doesn't follow the rules.  She has cried a few times and it breaks my heart.  She used to be so carefree and confident and although she still is sometimes, I also see that this early introduction that the world is not a safe place, that it is a place where Daddy's disappear,  I truly believe has made her more anxious and fearful than she would have been had this not taken place.

What a selfish terrible father he is to put his perverted needs above his own daughter.  I know he never thought he would be caught, but still it's just sickening.  I also wonder if would have molested her as she got older and I think the answer is yes, sometimes I think he may have already.  There was a couple of times where she hunched me when we were playing and at the time I didn't pay it any mind I just thought it was an accident but now I see it with eyes that have been opened to the evilness of child predators and I am appalled that I was in love with this sick pathetic creature that could do this to his own daughter.  It's bad enough he did it to a child, but even his own daughter?????  She was examined by a forensic sexual abuse expert and they found no evidence in her interview or examination to indicate abuse, but I remember those couple of instances and I wonder.  I have also questioned her and she never indicated he had ever touched her anywhere, but the doubt I have will never go away. 

Why would anyone think it's ok to sexually touch a child? My mind can't even conceive of such a desire, it just seems so wrong and sickening.  I hate that I was associated with this man in any way.  My little daughter is the only good thing that resulted from our relationship, and she is a joy and has honestly brought my daughters and I closer to each other, even after what her father did.  Her innocence and  joie de vivre is infectious and I think has helped us survive the tragic events of last year.

Monday, June 23, 2014

A quote from an article about hyperthermia cases (children left in cars that die from overheating):

"Humans, Hickling said, have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.

In hyperthermia cases, he believes, the parents are demonized for much the same reasons. “We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay. So, when this kind of thing happens to other people, we need to put them in a different category from us. We don’t want to resemble them, and the fact that we might is too terrifying to deal with. So, they have to be monsters.”

In a way it's the same thing with molestation.   It's easier to avoid thinking, talking about this because no one wants to face the reality that there is a significant amount of people in the world that perpetrate this crime everyday behind closed doors.   It's easier to think that mom didn't watch her kids carefully enough, she's a bad mother, the kids were at fault, the father was "weird".  This crime happens to kids every day in families you would NEVER suspect.  It really is an epidemic but no one wants to admit it, everyone just wants to keep it quiet because it's easier to pretend it's not happening than face the ugly truth.

Friday, June 20, 2014

I remember the first time I ever saw this show on Dr Phil and I remember thinking bullshit.  There was no way she didn't know.  Now, I know different.

A few of the times that my daughter was molested, it was while I was in bed asleep and her sister sleeping above her in the bunk bed.  He would come home from work (he worked night shift) and go into their room and do things.  I'm not going to talk about what exactly he did because I don't feel that is necessary, but don't ever think that just because they share a room with a sibling they are safe.   They aren't.  My older daughter said she suspected something but she was afraid to look and too scared to say anything.  That is the reality of this type of behavior.  It's so sick and disgusting no one wants to believe it's actually happening.  It's so hard for me to believe this happened while I was in our bedroom asleep.  That's how devious and slick they are to do such things while their wife is in their bed sleeping.  I wish I had woke up and caught him and had a gun so I could've gunned him down like the vermin he is.

My older daughter also told me later that he and my middle daughter would take "naps" together and she thought it was weird but never said anything.  This was when he was home with them after school/during the summer while I was at work and he either was on night/eve shift or not working.  Many times it happened while they were home alone together because my older daughter was involved in extracurricular activities so she wasn't home.

Yesterday after therapy, I was thinking about how twisted and evil some people are, it's hard for me to understand because I'm not made that way, that people like to hurt people, that they like to destroy things that are good and  beautiful.  That they get pleasure out of tormenting.  It's hard to wrap my mind around that concept, but it's true.  These people exist in the world.  It's scary.  I read a story yesterday about a woman who abused and tortured a 4 year old boy left in her care because his dad had to go to jail for six months or something like that for no reason other than she is just a sick twisted individual.  Some people just like to control and hurt people who are vulnerable.  He was like that I think now, I think he enjoyed fooling me, that was part of the thrill.  Knowing that I thought I was creating this good life and it was all really just total shit.  I was trying to give my kids a good start in life and he pretended he was helping me and all the time he was going behind my back and sabotaging me.

I hope he dies a slow and agonizing and painful death when it comes.  The worse that anyone has ever experienced.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

My middle daughter, the one who was sexually abused, "seems" so well adjusted.  Honestly, sometimes it's hard to reconcile that this actually happened to her.  She just seems so "normal".  We don' t talk about it.  Not that I haven't offered to talk about it, but I don't pressure her to talk about it and for obvious reasons I think she prefers not to talk to me about it.  If I was in her position I wouldn't want to talk to my mom about it either.

Whenever I tell her how sorry I am, she always acts embarrassed like she's the one who did something wrong.  I have told her repeatedly that she was manipulated by someone older than her who was in an authority position and she has NOTHING to be ashamed of or to apologize for that we are the ones who failed her.  As I've said before I've done a lot of reading about this and I know that kids feel guilty but they shouldn't.  They were taken advantage of by someone exploiting their vulnerability and trust.  I hate him so much.

On Father's day his son posted a picture of them together on Instagram and said something like "Best summer of my life wish I could go back to this time.".  I was disgusted.  I know this is his father, in fact when I disclosed to him what had happened he was understanding but also made it clear that even though his father had done this, he was still his Dad.  I'm not sure I would feel the same, but I've always been a grudge holder so maybe that's why.  I def wouldn't have posted a picture of him on Father's Day.  

Monday, June 16, 2014

having been an only child it's hard for me to understand sibling interaction - I seem to be a little to sensitive to their conflicts.  I'm working on this but it's really hard for me to handle it in a manner that is helpful.  It's mostly between the older two, but on occasion there is a little bit between the middle and youngest who are over 9 years apart. 

I often worry what will happen when the girls are older.  The youngest will at some point have to know the truth about her biological father and about what happened.  I can't even imagine how we will all deal with that.  It scares me.

Luckily the older too don't harbor or don't seem to harbor any ill feeling towards their younger sister for her origin.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

If I had a family that could have taken care of my daughters if something happened to me, I think I would have driven up to where he was staying with my gun and killed him and then killed myself.  That is what I would have liked to have done, but I didn't because there is no one who would take care of all of the girls and kept them together.  My oldest two daughter's father is a complete loser.  Five different woman have filed domestic violence petitions against him, including his own mother.  According to the domestic violence counselor, at least twelve have called the hotline about him.  He also won't work and does drugs.  Although his sister seems to be doing ok, I can't imagine she would have taken them.  His brother has as many problems as he does.  I don't have any brothers and sisters and I know my father and his wife would not want to take them, they might take them, but they would resent them or they might not even have taken them.  I'm estranged from my all of my extended family (on my mom's side because when my grandfather died they all got mad at each other and stopped speaking to each other, on my dad's side because my ex had an almost two year affair with my 22 year old cousin - we were 32).  We have no one.  My youngest child's father, the one who molested my middle daughter, is of course in prison and his family turned on me afterwards, I wouldn't trust them either.  So, I never got to confront him.  In fact, the day they were going to serve the search warrant, I had to talk to him several times and pretend everything was ok so he wouldn't be suspicious.  Sometimes I used to think about going to the jail to confront him, but I thought why give him the satisfaction? It's better to just cut him off and let him rot.  He tried to call me after he was arrested from the jail, I had the jail block our numbers.  He sent me two letters and he admitted to the abuse but tried to blame it on my daughter.  I turned them over to the prosecutor.  I wish he would hurry up and die so I can just tell our daughter he is dead when she asks about him, right now I tell her he is in timeout for not following the rules.  It would be better for her if I could just tell her he was dead.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Billionaire molests step daughter gets 4 months

Unfortunately, many molesters get plea deals that aren't very long sentences because victims don't want to testify and who can blame them, but his sentence is outrageous.

My daughter was going to testify that was why we got such a long sentence on a plea deal.  He was sentenced to 70 1/2 years but the way the system works he is eligible for parole in 27/12 years but I doubt he gets it the first time and if I have anything to do with it, he won't.  It also helped tremendously I think that actual physical evidence of the abuse existed which hardly ever happens. That's why so many people who are close/or family of the molester find it so hard to believe - here is an example from Facts About Child Molestation:

"Like most people, George's wife, when she considered child molestation at all - thought about it only as a sin or a crime. Her husband was simply not a criminal. He had never even had a traffic ticket. He was a regular hardworking man with a great sense of responsibility. If anything, he was a law-and-order guy. He was, like many husbands, concerned for his family's safety. He was their protector.
His religion was an important part of his life. Their religious beliefs were important to both of them and to their children.
And besides that George couldn't be a child molester, she thought, because they had a vigorous and happy sex life.
Through the months that followed, George's wife and his parents received several shocks. He confessed. Yes, he had sexually molested the 10-year-old girl who accused him, the daughter of a man who'd been his friend since high school. Then she found out there had been other victims. He had molested 23 little girls. The number included two nieces, one the daughter of his wife's sister and, the other the daughter of his own sister. He had also molested several daughters of close friends. His two nieces he had molested over a period of years. Both nieces kept the secret from everybody in the family. In a further shock to his family, he also confessed that when he was 17 and she was in grade school, he had repeatedly molested his stepsister. She also never told."

A quote below from this CNN article

"The backgrounds of many of the individuals ... is shocking," Hayes said. "These defendants come from all walks of life ... This operation puts the lie to the classic stereotypical profile that child predators are nothing more than unemployed drifters. Many of the defendants are, in fact, well-educated and successful in private and professional lives. They work as registered nurses, paramedics, caretakers for mentally ill adults, computer programers and architects."

It's hard to believe that these people can commit such an atrocious crime because we have been conditioned to believe it's that weird guy that lives down the block or a stranger but the truth is "normal" people make up the majority of child molesters - they are your neighbor, your family member, your doctor, the dentist, a CEO, a famous college football coach, a cop, - they can be anyone.

Friday, June 6, 2014

I talked to the therapist yesterday and her analogy was a great one:  if you have a serious physical wound it has to be treated, sometimes it's painful and it may hurt, but in order for it to heal, it has to be done.  Same thing with a serious emotional trauma.  So, my middle girl is continuing with therapy.

As I read my posts, I think to myself what a terrible mother I am and that I'm not fit to live nor enjoy the privilege of being in my daughter' s lives.  I don't deserve it at all, but it's really not about me.  It's about what is best for them and what is best for them is having their mom keep it together and be there for them, and though I failed at my job, I have been given a second chance and I am eternally grateful.  I have been that person who hears about the mom who let her children get abused by their boyfriend and thinks what a piece of shit she is,  but not that person is me and I hate it.  I hate being that person, but I I have to admit I am that person.  I have to own my responsibility in what happened to my kids.  I think about it everyday and regret it every moment, but I can't let it take over my life.  I have to be in the present and try my best to help my daughter's heal.

There are not many blogs written by women who's children have been abused and I hope this blog helps anyone who is in or thinks they might be in my situation.

Some advice I would offer is, report it to the police, not to CPS.  The police can actually take action immediately and then CPS will get involved, but law enforcement in my opinion provides a more accountable forum for a child molester.  Secondly, get away from the man; your child will never be able to feel safe until he no longer has any type of access/communication to them and even contact with you taints your relationship with your child.  After I reported my husband, I never talked to him again and I only saw him three times in court.  Accept that the person you thought you knew does not exist, that person was a facade he created to get to your children, he evil and he did not care about you or your children - period.   I know they claim pedophilia is a sickness, but they have a choice and they can choose not to act on their perversion.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Often I think to myself about how people must think of me and wonder how I haven't completely lost it and had a breakdown.  I wonder that myself sometimes, but I know the answer, because I can't.  I have to be strong.  I have to show my kids that no matter what, they can count on me.  That yes life sucks, but you can't give up, you can't let it break you, you just have to get back up and keep going.  If I don't model that for them, then this will break them.  According to all the "experts", the way Mom handles this type of situation is almost always what allows a molested/abused child to recover and not let what happened to them define their life. 

The most important thing a mom does is believe them and support them.  It's really shocking to me how many mother's do not believe or support their kids.  I mean even if you had doubts about their allegations, why wouldn't you immediately remove them from danger?  Why would you continue to have a relationship with someone who your child says has hurt them? I can't even understand that at all, but that is usually what happens.  I have read so many stories about survivors who told their mom or dad what was happening to them and it was denied or covered up.  Just recently there was a story in the news here locally about a couple and their daughter who the dad impregnated and the mom assisted with trying to cover it up!!!!! Unbelievable!!!

I know until this happened to me, I really didn't know much about molestation.  People need to be more informed.  This needs more attention.  The signs of molestation in children and the characteristics of a child molesters need to become  known my everyone just like the cycle of abuse in domestic violence has become so well publicized.  Things need to change.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

My middle daughter, the one that he molested, wants to stop going to therapy.   She says it is a waste of time and she doesn't need it.  I told her she needed to talk to her therapist about it. After a a few weeks she finally did and then I thought her therapist had said it was all resolved and then at the beginning of this week she says, so mom can I quit therapy? Arrrrrrrrrrrggghhhh. LOL  So, I start thinking about the situation.  If she doesn't want to go to therapy and isn't manifesting problems (her grades are good, she isn't having problems socially, our relationship has improved), should I still make her go?  I called her therapist yesterday to discuss it,  but she is out sick and she is out sick again today, our appt is tomorrow.  This probably sounds terrible, but I'm so jaded now, would a therapist tell you it's ok to quit, I mean they have a vested interest in continuing, I know as a professional it would be expected but honestly I have my doubts.  However, when I think about what she suffered through, I go the other way.  I'm thinking perhaps cut it back to once a month for the summer and see how it goes - a compromise not quitting completely but not having to go every week.  We shall see what the therapist thinks of my plan.

I still have a hard time saying my daughter was molested.  I HATE so much that this happened to her, to all of us but most especially her. Before this happened to my family, I never realized how prevalent it's occurrence actually is in society - it's so terrible. As many as 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually abused at some point in their childhood (  1 in 3 girls.  I think this statistic should get WAY more publication. 

This is a great article

Red flags:
Red Flag Behaviors And Warning Signs
1. Someone who repeatedly ignores social, emotional or physical boundaries or limits.
2. Someone who singles out one child as a “special friend”, lavishing them with a lot of extra attention, gifts, flattery – developing an age-inappropriate relationship with that child.
3. Someone who often insists upon or suggests a lot of uninterrupted “alone” time with a child.
4. Someone who refuses to let a child set any of his or her own limits.
5. Someone who insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling with or holding a child even when the child does not want this physical contact or attention.
6. Someone who shares inappropriate personal or private information with a child, that should normally by shared with adults only.
7. Someone who frequently points out sexual images or tells inappropriate, suggestive stories or jokes with children present.
8. Someone who seems overly interested in the sexuality of a particular child or teen, and talks repeatedly about the child's developing body.
9. Someone who appears to be “too good to be true”, frequently offering to baby sit different children for free; taking children on special outings alone; often buying children gifts or giving them money for no apparent reason - especially an adult who does not have children of their own.
10. Someone who frequently walks in on children/teens in the bathroo

Looking back these are the things that occurred in my situation:
1.  Skinnydipping (said I was too inhibited and was teaching the girls to be repressed too and after I told them no more skinnydipping they kept it a secret from me)
2.  Encouraging the girls to have "secrets" with him (about him taking them to get their haircut, tasting alcohol, skinnydipping) - I didn't find this out til later
3.  Not covering up when walking from bathroom to bedroom (when I objected he ridiculed me for being old-fashioned and foisting my inhibitions and sexual repression onto the girls and said I was teaching them to be ashamed of their bodies)
4.  A no boyfriend rule for the girls (his justification was that at their young age they didn't need the emotional drama a boyfriend would entail which would distract them from the school work and extracurricular activities - made sense to me but I still thought it was kinda of weird)
5.  When we first met, he volunteered to babysit - what 40 year old man wants to babysit? None!!!!  I didn't let him, but still.  I think this may have been the biggest RED FLAG that I didn't catch, now I see it.
6.  His penchant for wanting to walk around in the nude and for everyone else to also because nudity was natural and there was nothing to be ashamed of and society was the one who had made us become ashamed of our bodies and made everything sexual.   I never went along with this either and he also ridiculed me for that.
7.  His disgust for pedophiles.

These are the only things I can think of - I may add more later.  I'm sure as you read this, you think what a fucking moron, but for normal non-pedophile people, it's hard to imagine that the man who espouses things like "proper behavior fears no exposure" and "say what you mean and mean what you say"  and "honesty is my only policy" and was "honest" and "forthright",  could be capable of such deceit.  After this came out, I discovered many shocking things about this man and family I thought I knew so well.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Spent the weekend mostly doing stuff around the house and obsessing over my stupidity.  Pawned my iPad so we would have some cash until I get paid on Friday.  My friend is letting me pay two bills that have to be paid on his credit card and I will pay him back when I get paid on Friday, thank god for friends.

Even though I had this major set back I'm still feeling pretty good.  As time has went on sometimes I don't appreciate just how improved my life is and my children's - although it may be a struggle sometimes at least it's just my struggle.   I don't have that anchor tied to my foot anymore dragging us down. Often when I'm swinging with my youngest at the playground or lying on a blanket in the yard while she plays, I look up at the sky and am filled with peace and although not quite joy, it's close.  When you are in the claws of a sociopath it's hard to see reality because they keep you so distracted with all the chaos they create, real and of their own manipulation of you.  Looking back I see so clearly that this relationship was not at all what I thought.  I think I just wanted it to work so bad because I didn't want to fail again (something else he used to manipulate me) and have another child without a father figure.  So stupid.