Monday, June 30, 2014
I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. My oldest daughter just seems to be on a path to destruction. I can't bear it. We talk to each other, but it's like nothing gets through to her. I see her making bad decision after bad decision. I just found out a bunch of stuff I didn't know last night because she posted some stuff to her instagram. It's so hard to write this post because I feel so responsible, I'm her mother, it's my fault that she is the way she is. I found out she has been drinking (she told me that when I let her to with her friends to a festival that the older sister had alcohol and she stole some of it and has been drinking it at night to go to sleep), that she has had sex, that she still feels alone and wishes she were dead, and that she hates everyone except her family). She posted all this online for all of her peers to see. I did make her delete it when I found it but I don't really understand why she posted it. I've called her therapist today to talk to her about it but she hasn't called me back yet. I'm seriously thinking of putting her in some kind of residential treatment because I feel like I can't get through to her, that she needs something that I can't give her, that maybe in a more structured setting with daily counseling and monitoring she might get better. I'm so afraid for her to start high school if she is still feeling like this, so unmotivated, so hostile, so sad, so broken. I love her so much but it's like she is in a place I can't reach no matter how hard I try. It's like we speak different languages. She told me the other day that I'm just too happy for her to be around. She can't understand how I can still be hopeful for the future after living through so many terrible things in my life, she thinks life is just too hard and would rather just not be here.