Tuesday, September 30, 2014

K goes back to counseling tomorrow.  I talked to her therapist today and told her everything I knew.

She has been doing well (as far as I know - going to check her phone tonight).

I'm not sure if I disclosed that she told me that her former stepfather made her and M have sex together in front of him.  When I talked to M about it she said it wasn't true.  She also said that her biological father molested her when she was around 5 or so.  I don't know what to think.  I don't know if she is telling the truth ( she says she is having flashbacks), making it up or just confused.  Lord knows she's been through so much.  It's so unfair.  However, I have to say that when he started having supervised visitation ( I requested that his visitation be at a facility run by domestic violence advocats, the family court gave him overnights with his mom as the supervisor EVEN AFTER my attorney pointed out that his own mother had filed  a DVP less than six months ago against him - that is why I think family court is a scary place where crazy shit happens) at his mother's was when her personality began to change.  Up until that time she had been such a happy sweet child.  I always attributed it to the divorce and domestic violence. 

When I think about what my kids have been through I just feel like the worlds worst mother.  I feel like I'm the mom I used to read about and think what a terrible mother and now I'm her.  I hate myself.  I don't even deserve to be called mother.  Sometimes I wish I had killed him, then I might hate myself a little less.

Friday, September 26, 2014

I'm really not sure what to do....

I checked K's phone while she was in the shower. I wonder if she subconsciously wants me to because she hasn't changed the password.  I am planning on checking it again soon with her knowledge but I had the chance this morning and I took it.  Be careful what you wish for...

It's amazing how well she is able to make me think she is doing well.  When I read her messages I realize that I don't know her at all.  I'm not sure if she says the things she says because they are true or because she is manipulative and wants attention.  She's telling one girl she is doing really bad and then in another message to someone else that they can't come over because I have cameras everywhere because I'm monitoring her, which is not true.  She is telling another boy that she wants to have sex with him in his car at lunch at school.  I found out that she had sex with another boy a while back.  She is totally out of control.  I'm glad I looked at her messages because she is NOT going anywhere or doing anything unless I'm right there with her period.  Even though I had read her messages after she went into the hospital and realized that she was unstable, I was hoping that the change in medication would help her but apparently that is not so, but she is less moody, like her moods don't fluctuate as intensely and she is not as irritable.  I'm also taking her and getting her put on birth control ASAP.  This is really freaking me out.  She turns 15 Oct 4th.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

although I wish my not posting was due to things going well, alas that's not the case

weekend before last my oldest daughter K had another crisis - the weekend started out great she cheered the away game looked happier than I had seen her in ages but later she told me that usually after she has a high like that she usually experiences a bigger depression and that was exactly what happened.  Terrible mood on Sat a little better on Sunday but bummed because no one would go to the movies with her (including me which I really regret now) but it looked like finally she had found someone to go with her so we went to store to get her some meds she was catching a cold.  On way there I brought up that I wanted her to clean up her social media accounts and I really did not expect her to be so upset about it - we got into a huge argument which then escalated into her cussing me out and I lost it we got back in the car and she asked me where were were going and I told her I was putting her back in the hospital (during our argument she revealed she had been drinking and smoking pot) and she jumped out of the car while I was driving it - I managed to put on the brakes when she opened the door but still we had to be going at least 20mp.  Luckily she just got a few scrapes.  It was chaos.  Finally I got her back home and we talked a little calmer because by this time she wasn't defiant anymore but crying and begging.  So I didn't take her but we agreed to some changes in her privileges.  I did let her go to movie and I thought everything was going to be ok.  Later that evening she came to me and asked me to buy her some cheap headphones because she had left hers at school and I had to run to Kmart anyway to I told her I would get her some.  In a bit I left, when I got to parking lot of Kmart which is about 10 minutes away from my house, M called and said I needed to come back home right now, K was cutting herself.  I drove back home like a deamon, hit the bumper of my car on driveway post, and found K in the bathroom on the floor looking like she was dying.  Her cuts turned out to be pretty superficial but it was really scary.  She was in the hospital for a week.  They have changed her meds again.  The also said if she comes back again, she will go to a long term facility.

Unfortunately, I felt like a lot of what happened was my fault.  I shouldn't have threatened her in the car with going back to the hospital.  I shouldn't have started the talk at that time, but I really did not expect her to react that way.  Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done and I wish I had done a better job.  Every day I hate myself for my choices and how they have affected my kids.  If only I could go back and change it, but I can't.  I can only hope and pray that she will overcome her demons and realize her potential.

oh and I left out the part where I told her cheer coaches the truth and they decided not to put her on the competition team which I'm sure in her condition was a great feeling - and honestly it really makes me angry.  I mean if she was a diabetic, had asthma or cancer they wouldn't do that so why is it ok to do that because "she might have another breakdown and we can't count on her" - um a diabetic or asthmatic might do the same PLUS a couple of those girls won't make grades either but they are taking a chance on that.  She can't help that the chemicals in her brain are messed up you morons.  Ugh I'm sooooooooooooo mad.


and a freshman girl at a local hs here shot herself with a 40 caliber gun and committed suicide.  That could have been my daughter. Twice she had asked me where my gun was in the past few months and I told her that I honestly was uncomfortable with her knowing where it was and that I felt she was too emotionally unstable to be trusted with it.  I have a gun lock on it and I have the key with me at all times.  This is just so sad and I can't stop thinking about how terrible it is.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Got a 5k bonus at work on Friday - I was flabbergasted to say the least.  Couldn't have come a better time.  Yay for Christmas! lol  Finally I can give the girls a good christmas instead of scrabbling around like I do every year  - they always get what they wanted but I struggle.

K still seems to be on upswing when observing her but when you look at her social media accounts not so much.  So much negativity and still depressive thinking.

M doing better and better every day.  She is AMAZING.

N getting too big for her britches.

Called the prison on Friday regarding having someone talk to him about divorcing but no one called back.  But a big step for me.I had to wait on the divorce for strategic reasons.

Almost have the cars fixed and hopefully can trade them in so I only have one car payment instead of two!

This bonus will also help me get caught up on bills and get K some braces.  I have insurance that covers 2/3 but I still needed about $1200.

Still have not made it to church - it seems like something always comes up but I know I need to make it a priority.

Judy please leave your blog addy, I lost all my bookmarks!!! - I'm so silly I can find it via stats just did it! I'm a little foggy these days.


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Things are still going relatively well.  Lots of improvements.  A couple of baby steps backward (lost $350 on Monday not sure where/how but it's definitely gone out of my purse so either I didn't have the pocket zipped up and it fell out or someone at the fundraising booth took it - I'm hoping the former), but all in all pretty good times.

K is still not really into the whole cheer thing at school but I really can't afford all star cheer right now so it will have to do.  They have upped her meds to 60mg of Cymbalta 3mg of Abilify and 25mg of Trazadone after our last appt with her psychiatrist.  I think he was pretty shocked she wanted to go to Highland and at all the other appts I have let K do all the talking but at this one I spoke up and shared things she has told me like the weekend after she came home we were at a breakfast place and she said rather matter of factly, I think I'll just kill myself next week.  When I expressed how shocked I was by that statement she told me that she was just tired of being this way all the time, tired of being unhappy and hateful and she was never going to get better.  I tried to reassure her but if you've ever been around a clinically depressed person (and that is her diagnosis), that doesn't usually work.  Her psychiatrist told her how impressed he was by her reaching out when she was feeling suicidal and told her that she will get better that she's only been under his care for a few months and we were going to get aggressive with treating her and upped all her meds.  So far haven't seen much improvement but they say 30 days to get in your system.  Pray for her.

M is doing pretty well as is N.

Mom is also doing pretty good considering.