although I wish my not posting was due to things going well, alas that's not the case

weekend before last my oldest daughter K had another crisis - the weekend started out great she cheered the away game looked happier than I had seen her in ages but later she told me that usually after she has a high like that she usually experiences a bigger depression and that was exactly what happened.  Terrible mood on Sat a little better on Sunday but bummed because no one would go to the movies with her (including me which I really regret now) but it looked like finally she had found someone to go with her so we went to store to get her some meds she was catching a cold.  On way there I brought up that I wanted her to clean up her social media accounts and I really did not expect her to be so upset about it - we got into a huge argument which then escalated into her cussing me out and I lost it we got back in the car and she asked me where were were going and I told her I was putting her back in the hospital (during our argument she revealed she had been drinking and smoking pot) and she jumped out of the car while I was driving it - I managed to put on the brakes when she opened the door but still we had to be going at least 20mp.  Luckily she just got a few scrapes.  It was chaos.  Finally I got her back home and we talked a little calmer because by this time she wasn't defiant anymore but crying and begging.  So I didn't take her but we agreed to some changes in her privileges.  I did let her go to movie and I thought everything was going to be ok.  Later that evening she came to me and asked me to buy her some cheap headphones because she had left hers at school and I had to run to Kmart anyway to I told her I would get her some.  In a bit I left, when I got to parking lot of Kmart which is about 10 minutes away from my house, M called and said I needed to come back home right now, K was cutting herself.  I drove back home like a deamon, hit the bumper of my car on driveway post, and found K in the bathroom on the floor looking like she was dying.  Her cuts turned out to be pretty superficial but it was really scary.  She was in the hospital for a week.  They have changed her meds again.  The also said if she comes back again, she will go to a long term facility.

Unfortunately, I felt like a lot of what happened was my fault.  I shouldn't have threatened her in the car with going back to the hospital.  I shouldn't have started the talk at that time, but I really did not expect her to react that way.  Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done and I wish I had done a better job.  Every day I hate myself for my choices and how they have affected my kids.  If only I could go back and change it, but I can't.  I can only hope and pray that she will overcome her demons and realize her potential.

************************************************************
oh and I left out the part where I told her cheer coaches the truth and they decided not to put her on the competition team which I'm sure in her condition was a great feeling - and honestly it really makes me angry.  I mean if she was a diabetic, had asthma or cancer they wouldn't do that so why is it ok to do that because "she might have another breakdown and we can't count on her" - um a diabetic or asthmatic might do the same PLUS a couple of those girls won't make grades either but they are taking a chance on that.  She can't help that the chemicals in her brain are messed up you morons.  Ugh I'm sooooooooooooo mad.

*****************************************************************

and a freshman girl at a local hs here shot herself with a 40 caliber gun and committed suicide.  That could have been my daughter. Twice she had asked me where my gun was in the past few months and I told her that I honestly was uncomfortable with her knowing where it was and that I felt she was too emotionally unstable to be trusted with it.  I have a gun lock on it and I have the key with me at all times.  This is just so sad and I can't stop thinking about how terrible it is.