Tuesday, September 30, 2014

K goes back to counseling tomorrow.  I talked to her therapist today and told her everything I knew.

She has been doing well (as far as I know - going to check her phone tonight).

I'm not sure if I disclosed that she told me that her former stepfather made her and M have sex together in front of him.  When I talked to M about it she said it wasn't true.  She also said that her biological father molested her when she was around 5 or so.  I don't know what to think.  I don't know if she is telling the truth ( she says she is having flashbacks), making it up or just confused.  Lord knows she's been through so much.  It's so unfair.  However, I have to say that when he started having supervised visitation ( I requested that his visitation be at a facility run by domestic violence advocats, the family court gave him overnights with his mom as the supervisor EVEN AFTER my attorney pointed out that his own mother had filed  a DVP less than six months ago against him - that is why I think family court is a scary place where crazy shit happens) at his mother's was when her personality began to change.  Up until that time she had been such a happy sweet child.  I always attributed it to the divorce and domestic violence. 

When I think about what my kids have been through I just feel like the worlds worst mother.  I feel like I'm the mom I used to read about and think what a terrible mother and now I'm her.  I hate myself.  I don't even deserve to be called mother.  Sometimes I wish I had killed him, then I might hate myself a little less.


  1. I keep reminding you--none of this is your fault. Put the blame clearly on the man who cause it--okay? K may be making stuff up--I had a therapist try really hard to convince me my father had sexually abused me. He abused me verbally and with whippings and she was SURE he had violated me sexually. Never happened, but with her insisting--it made my life miserable for awhile trying to remember the incidents she insisted had happened. So--you just never know. K may be using this to gain more sympathy or more attention--or it could very well be true. You probably will never know for sure.

  2. I have read your past few posts - and wanted to comment, but can't seem to find the words. It's hard - all of this parenting stuff is. Parenting kids who have gone through something that you feel you should have been able to protect them from, is really hard. But it doesn't make you less of a mother. You are doing what you can for her, you are getting her the help she needs, and being there for her - and even though it probably doesn't seem like it's doing a whole lot of good - I am confident that somehow, it will be enough. Why? Because it has to be. You are a great mother because you are doing all that you can for your daughter, even when you don't know what to do. Keep up the good work. You will both get through this.