Therapy day today - thank god I have some people helping me navigate this nightmare and I don't feel so alone.  I really have no confidence in my own perceptions/ideas/theories anymore because I failed to see who he really was - being fooled like that really makes you feel unsure of yourself.  If you can be so completely deceived how can you ever trust in anything again? Especially yourself.

Today I watched a video of our daughter when she was a baby.  I can hear his voice in the background sounding so normal.  It's surreal.  I was looking for video to post for Throwback Thursday and not realizing his voice would be in the video I clicked on it (I try to avoid looking at or seeing anything associated with him) and there it was and I felt like puking.  I just want to be alone with him in a room tied up and stab him repeatedly over and over and over until he begs for mercy and then just keep stabbing him and torture him until he dies in the most painful way possible.  I want to punish his family for not informing me of things they knew/suspected until it benefited them.  I want everyone to suffer as we have suffered.