Wednesday, July 30, 2014

this is a letter I wrote in April to him but never sent - my thinking was there is no point in sending it to him as it wouldn't make him feel bad at all and he might even get enjoyment from it - so I didn't send it but it did help me to write it :

I know now I never really knew you.  The person I thought you were doesn’t exist because the person I thought you were would NEVER have done what you have done.  You don’t love someone and then turn around and hurt the most precious things in the world to them, their children.  You don’t destroy the only thing they ever feel like they have done right, which is being a good mom. 
How could you betray me like this? How did you justify this to yourself? But I guess that’s just it, you didn’t because we didn’t matter to you.  We were just objects to help you achieve your goals whether that was sexually or whatever.
I bet you must have been laughing at me all the time while you were making such a fool of me.  That makes me so angry, but I’m trying to let that go because your not worth it.  Expending any thought or energy on you would just be wasting more of my time on someone who didn’t deserve it.  I made a big mistake letting you into our lives.  I didn’t realize my own value nor my children’s, I should have been more careful and protective of us and who I allowed to become a part of our life.  That’s on me.  I made a terrible choice when I gave you a chance and I will regret it every day of my life.  I thought the worst thing that could ever happen to me had already happened, but I was wrong.  What you did was the most terrible thing that could ever happen except one of my children dying.  Honestly I don’t know how you live with yourself.  You are a sick and disgusting person to do the things you did to M and probably other girls too like A and T and maybe even K because I do think you molested K too and she has blocked it out.  No wonder you were so stressed out all the time because maintaining such a fa├žade must have required a lot of effort, to pretend to be so “honest” and loyal and trying to make sure that the girls turned into successful adults – what a bunch of fucking bullshit, because the whole time you were sexually abusing them and physically and emotionally abusing K.  No wonder they never wanted to stay at home with you but you were good at camouflaging that with your “rules” and how they just didn’t like you because now they weren’t in “control” anymore.  I was the stupid one who fell for all of your bullshit and I take full responsibility for that, but the fact is you LIED and DECEIVED, if you had been honest about your real intentions and thoughts we would  never had been together.  I really think this was your plan from the very beginning.  I’ve done a lot of reading since this happened and your actions fit the profile to a T.  How you just wanted to help me because you could see I was overwhelmed and needed it and you would be more than willing to help me out with the girls (what over 40 man wants to babysit??? None!!! I was so dumb and the sad thing is I knew this I had read it before but I listened to your words not your actions for way too long and you were good with words).  How you tried to control things that had to do with them and trying to get them to drink???? And encouraging them to skinny dip after you knew I didn’t approve, telling me I was the one with problem because I didn’t think it was appropriate for them to walk from the bathroom naked, or to maintain their privacy.  I also found it funny that you told CPS I was fucked up from the rape – really exactly how was I fucked up???? Please illuminate me (I already know you just said that because it sounded good, to try and make me look bad) and also how you told CPS that I participated in the skinnydipping – um never.  Lies lies and more lies.  And these are just the ones I know about, I’m sure there are many more.  Like I think you probly were chasing after your SIL, it probably killed you that she came into all that money and you wanted to see if you could be a part of that and finally be “rich”.  I realize now that most of the things you said were actually the opposite of the way you really felt, like money wasn’t important to you, money was VERY important to you, that your sexuality was vanilla, no it was perverted, that you were honest to a fault, not at all you are actually very deceptive.  I wish now that when I found you that one night with Paul’s girlfriend and her friends that I had ended our relationship then but we had N and I hesitated and overthought it - that’s why you got me pregnant wasn’t it? I remember how you started to deny that you were the one that wanted me to have a baby – I would think what the fuck is he talking about that he never said that??? I never wanted to have a baby, I was the one who listed all the reasons why it wouldn’t be a good idea and you shot down all of them, but that’s because it really wasn’t about having a baby it was about creating ties to you and a reason to not leave you and not to betray when I found out the truth about you, but you were wrong weren’t you? I bet you were surprised when they showed up asking for your phone? I have to admit I savor that thought, thinking of you realizing that you were caught, that your dumbass wife had outsmarted you, outmaneuvered you.  Yeah, I was dumb for a LONG time, but that’s because I’m a REAL person, I don’t treat people like they are objects, I am genuine and I was trying to treat you as I would want to be treated and all the time you were just manipulating all of us.  I wish you would just kill yourself so I don’t ever have to tell N who and what her father is, I can just say you died and leave it at that, because it’s clear to me now that you never nor do you now care in any way about her.  You didn’t care that you were molesting her sister, how did you think that was gonna make her feel? You didn’t care that she is going to have to grow up with a molester for a father.   You didn’t care if her mother was going to make it through this and have a job, no you were just worried about your money and your boat.  Your poor Mom, she still can’t see you for who you really are, she did your bidding like a little minion and created even more drama but I don’t put up with that type of behavior, once she showed me that she was putting you above N, I realized that I couldn’t trust her and she didn’t deserve to be a part of Ns life, like I told her, actions have consequences and we will all have to live with our choices. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, you and her are both pieces of shit.  I decided that the best thing for my family was not to have any contact with yours as I don’t feel any of you are worthy of being in contact with any of us.  I just want you to know that although your mom and other people may believe your bullshit excuses about how M seduced you or whatever crazy ass story your selling, I was there, I know the truth, M was a little girl who wanted a daddy, she was sweet and caring and kind and you tried to destroy that.  I WAS THERE, I SEE NOW WHAT YOU WERE REALLY DOING I SEE YOUR MANIPULATIONS AND   Yeah I know about the sexual exploration you discovered but didn’t tell me about and let me illuminate you that is natural and normal for children when they are very young, especially ones that have been exposed to pornography at a young age like they were by their father and if you had told me like you should have instead of using that as a tool to manipulate them, I would have explained that to you and showed you the research to help you understand.  Like I told your mom, it doesn’t matter if M lied down in front of you and begged you for it, you were the adult, you were my husband, you should have talked to me about it, having sexual contact with a 11 year old, 12 year old child is just plain sick and disgusting.  You are disgusting.  You are a monster and you are EXACTLY where you deserve to be though really I wish I had killed you, you don’t even deserve to exist.  I was in love with the person I thought you were, I hate and despise the person you are and I wish for your death every day.

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