Monday, July 28, 2014

One thing I must say is that when this terrible thing happened to my family I was supported my friends and family personally and at work.  Words cannot express how helpful this was in me maintaining my sanity.  Although I felt and still feel like a failure as a mother, the fact that my friends and coworkers did not abandon me made me feel a little better, like I wasn't a total pariah a la Casey Anthony.  Yes, that's who I compare myself to a mother who killed her own child.  I try not to focus on my guilt very much because ultimately it's not helpful to the girls or me and that's where the focus needs to be, on their healing and recovery, not a mom pity party.  Plus I think if I allowed myself to wallow in my self-hatred it might get out of hand and cause more harm. 


  1. But--none of it was your fault! Nor the girl's fault! How could you even imagine in a hundred years, that someone you all trusted would be so depraved and sick? Easy to look back in hind-sight and NOW see the little things that may have tipped you off, but...that never happens, until afterwards. Just heal yourself and the girls. Forgive yourself!!! Difficult? Yes, but it can be done.

    1. thanks Judy I really appreciate your kind words - it is hard to conceive that he was that evil and depraved even now but I just feel like there must have been some failure on my part that my daughters did not tell me of the abuse. My oldest and I recently talked about it and I asked her but she really didn't have an answer I didn't push her on it because the last thing I want to do is make her feel guilty about it but it just kills me that they didn't think I would/could protect them. I know their therapist says they were very scared of him and for me and I know children are easily manipulated and intimidated and they were so young so it's easily understandable but I thought our bond was stronger than that I guess. Like I said I try not to concentrate on that very much and instead just be grateful we are all safe now.

    2. He may have threatened them with your life, if they told you.