Thursday, July 17, 2014

I'm not sure if I mentioned before that I had a narrow escape from being molested myself when I was around 8 or 9; I had stayed at my aunt and uncles every summer since my parents divorce for a few weeks they lived on a farm and had four children of their own - great times - until one night I woke up in the bed I shared with my cousin and my uncle was rubbing my arm (I should mention that earlier that night he had been drinking and my cousins and I, 3 girls and 1 boy all close in age, had been dancing in the living room and I remember my uncle watching me with this weird look that now I know was lecherous but didn't understand then), and I didn't say anything I just got up and left and went to the bathroom but I didn't go back to bed, I went and hid until morning and then that same day I called my mom and told her I wanted to go home and I never went back, but I never told anyone, I just said I didn't want to anymore  and no one questioned it. So, when I had children I made sure they were aware of the danger.  I can't remember if I've written about this or not but what bothered me a lot at first was that I had "the talk" with my kids from the time they started daycare and could understand me about good touch, bad touch and if anyone touches them where their swimsuit covers that they should tell Mommy, and how their are people who will tell them lies like they will hurt Mommy if they don't tell me but that isn't true and that they should tell me NO MATTER WHAT because Mommy can fix it. The problem is I didn't keep telling them after they got older.  I thought telling them a few times was enough, BUT IT'S NOT.  The biggest piece of advice I would reiterate is that it needs discussed every year.  I know it's an uncomfortable subject and it sucks that your kids innocence has to be marred but truly would you rather take a chance on that innocence being devastated?  Especially when you consider the statistics.
  • As many as 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually abused at some point in their childhood. 1
  • Most perpetrators are acquaintances, but as many as 47% are family or extended family. 1
  • In as many as 93% of child sexual abuse cases, the child knows the person that commits the abuse. 2
  • Approximately 30% of cases are reported to authorities. 3
  • Approximately 1.8 million adolescents in the United States have been the victims of sexual assault. 4
  • 33% of sexual assaults occur when the victim is between the ages of 12 and 17. 5
  • 82% of all juvenile victims are female. 5
  • 69% of the teen sexual assaults reported to law enforcement occurred in the residence of the victim, the offender, or another individual. 5
  • Teens 16 to 19 years of age were 3 1/2 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. 6
  • Approximately 1 in 5 female high school students report being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. 7
  • Approximately 1 in 7 (13%) youth Internet users received unwanted sexual solicitations.8
  • 4% of youth Internet users received aggressive solicitations, in which solicitors made or attempted to make offline contact with youth.8
  • 9% of youth Internet users had been exposed to distressing sexual material while online.8
  • 9.2% of cases of maltreatment of children in 2010 were classified as sexual abuse. 9
  • Over 63,000 cases of child sexual abuse were reported in 2010. 9

Proud of myself yesterday for standing my ground and not letting my guilt parent the girls and it feels good, but honestly, it is hard.  It's so hard not to go above and beyond to assuage my guilt over what happened, but I have to remember it's about them not about making me feel better, I know in the long run it is what is best for them and that helps.  Being so unsure of my self and my perceptions makes it even harder to trust my own judgement after what's happened I don't have confidence at all in my judgement, but it's the only one they have so I just do my best.  We have not sat down yet and had that talk but it is coming.  I think I would save myself a lot of grief if I would get it done, but it just never seems like the right time. 

Never having had siblings I have a really hard time understanding how the girls can hate each other one day and then a few days later seem almost like friends.  I think a lot of it may have to do with my unforgiving nature - I try to always be civil when having a disagreement and I never say things I don't mean in the heat of anger and I expect the same from others even though intellectually I know most people don't operate from that standard.  So once you do say something to me insulting or hurtful, I never forget it because in my mind if you said it then you think it. I know this is unhealthy and probably a reason why my circle is small but I guess for me I'd rather have a small circle of people that are quality than a large circle that is not.


  1. As an only child myself (until my sister was born when I was 13), I always wondered why my kids were so mean to each other at times, but it won't last. I think it also makes it difficult for us as parents, because we never had that much interaction with a kid or saw our parents reactions with our siblings. Speak from your heart to the girls. None of this is your fault nor theirs! You all were preyed upon!!

  2. I try to keep telling myself that. Really though their "fighting" never has anything to do with what happened it's usually the mundane she borrowed my shirt, she is annoying me etc

    BTW thank you so much for commenting it helps alot to have someone out there that supports me