Tuesday, June 24, 2014

last night before we went to sleep my littlest daughter said to me, "Mommy don't ever leave me.".  How heartbreaking is that? It's sad that at four years old she has even conceived of that concept thanks to her biological father's terrible actions.  I knew it would affect her - one day Daddy is here and then poof, never seen again.  For a while I distracted her with he's working because how do you explain to a four year old such terrible things? You can't.  Eventually though I had to explain to her that she was not going to see her dad again.  I told her he was in timeout, for a while that was enough but then she wanted to know why.  I told her that it was too complicated for her to understand but that he had broken the rules, that even adults have rules, and because he had, he was in timeout just like she is when she doesn't follow the rules.  She has cried a few times and it breaks my heart.  She used to be so carefree and confident and although she still is sometimes, I also see that this early introduction that the world is not a safe place, that it is a place where Daddy's disappear,  I truly believe has made her more anxious and fearful than she would have been had this not taken place.

What a selfish terrible father he is to put his perverted needs above his own daughter.  I know he never thought he would be caught, but still it's just sickening.  I also wonder if would have molested her as she got older and I think the answer is yes, sometimes I think he may have already.  There was a couple of times where she hunched me when we were playing and at the time I didn't pay it any mind I just thought it was an accident but now I see it with eyes that have been opened to the evilness of child predators and I am appalled that I was in love with this sick pathetic creature that could do this to his own daughter.  It's bad enough he did it to a child, but even his own daughter?????  She was examined by a forensic sexual abuse expert and they found no evidence in her interview or examination to indicate abuse, but I remember those couple of instances and I wonder.  I have also questioned her and she never indicated he had ever touched her anywhere, but the doubt I have will never go away. 

Why would anyone think it's ok to sexually touch a child? My mind can't even conceive of such a desire, it just seems so wrong and sickening.  I hate that I was associated with this man in any way.  My little daughter is the only good thing that resulted from our relationship, and she is a joy and has honestly brought my daughters and I closer to each other, even after what her father did.  Her innocence and  joie de vivre is infectious and I think has helped us survive the tragic events of last year.

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