Spent the weekend mostly doing stuff around the house and obsessing over my stupidity.  Pawned my iPad so we would have some cash until I get paid on Friday.  My friend is letting me pay two bills that have to be paid on his credit card and I will pay him back when I get paid on Friday, thank god for friends.

Even though I had this major set back I'm still feeling pretty good.  As time has went on sometimes I don't appreciate just how improved my life is and my children's - although it may be a struggle sometimes at least it's just my struggle.   I don't have that anchor tied to my foot anymore dragging us down. Often when I'm swinging with my youngest at the playground or lying on a blanket in the yard while she plays, I look up at the sky and am filled with peace and although not quite joy, it's close.  When you are in the claws of a sociopath it's hard to see reality because they keep you so distracted with all the chaos they create, real and of their own manipulation of you.  Looking back I see so clearly that this relationship was not at all what I thought.  I think I just wanted it to work so bad because I didn't want to fail again (something else he used to manipulate me) and have another child without a father figure.  So stupid.