I'm hoping that we are turning the corner.  Lately we really seem to be coming together as a family again and hopefully leaving the terrible times behind -  I know it's not gonna be smooth but things are better and that gives me hope.  We have all become so much closer and loving with each other and it makes me so happy.  As I look back I see the mistakes I made and how my go along to get along nature contributed to the problem.  I see that my low self esteem and poor self confidence made it easy for him.  I look back now and am amazed at how easily I was manipulated.  It's hard to admit and it makes me feel like shit, but only by recognizing my mistakes can I correct them. 

My oldest daughter K and I were just talking about some stuff and I realized that in my whole life I've never been single and lived alone.  From the time I was 13 until I was 16 I had a boyfriend, then from 16-22 a different one, then from 23-2004 I was with my oldest girls dad, then after I divorced him I was only single for about 2 months then I lived with a guy for about 2 years, then after less than a month I met N's dad and we started seeing each other and moved in together after about 6 months. Pathetic I know BUT I have been single now for over a year and living on my own and surprise surprise doing better than I ever have in my life financially and emotionally.  I can only imagine how much more successful I would have been in life had I not tied myself to men all the time because honestly they were like anchors around my feet always. 

This article was the beginning of my epiphany but it still took a while because the monster only exhibited a couple of these signs BUT any of them are still bad and I didn't pick up on it - the main ones being quick attachment and expression and entitlement with bad stories and eventually came walking on eggshells but by then it was too late.

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

If a man has any of the characteristics on the above list - he's bad news and you need to get away AS FAST AS YOU CAN

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but before Christmas I received  a message from a guy I had a very brief rebound thing with when I was 16.  I mean like we talked for like a week lol.  The message was something like this, "hey kristi I know we haven't talked to each other in a long time but I have something I'd like to give to you.  Please contact me at this number".  I was like what???? I haven't seen or talked to this guy in like 25 years what could he possibly have to give me.  I was at a football game so I didn't text him til later that evening and he calls me and tells me that he feels led by God to give me some money to help me out with Christmas.  I was flabbergasted.  I was in disbelief.  I didn't know what to think.  I was like are you serious? Is this a joke? Which I remembered hearing at some time or another that he had become very religious and maybe was even a preacher so that was in the back of my mind.  Well he was serious and he gave me $300.  I'm not kidding.  He does have a good job and owns his own farm, but still. 

Last week he contacts me again and says they had slaughtered some cattle on his farm and he wants to give me some and also some money.  Sure enough he meets me and gives me a huge bag of hamburger, steaks, and roasts and $300. 

He says that it makes him feel good to help people that are trying and doing their best and it's hard to find people willing to accept help. 

I call him my guardian angel.

Yesterday we were at gymnastics and I saw a father watching his daughter and the love and pride in his gaze was so sweet and I HATE HATE HATE that N doesn't have that (neither do M or K but they have accepted it and while they do still long for it I'm sure it's not as apparent as it is with N) and it just kills me that she doesn't have it.  It's so unfair.

I know he is a monster.  He is evil.  I despise him with every fiber of my being.  I know I can't comprehend what he's done because it is incomprehensible to anyone who isn't like him. 

Last week we were waiting for a pizza in the car and I heard a noise from N and I looked in my rearview mirror and sure enough she was crying.  I was taken aback and asked her what was wrong and she proceeded to tell me she missed her daddy.  When I say she was crying I mean she was heaving and everything.  It was awful.  Heartbreaking.  I told her that I was glad she was talking about her feelings and she can always tell me when she feels upset about something  I said sometimes it's good to cry about things that upset us because crying makes us feel better.  I told her it was ok to feel that way and I was sorry she was sad.  What else do you say?

I would like to write him a letter and tell him about all the harm he has caused these kids but you know what's even worse, I think he would enjoy it; but even if he didn't, he still wouldn't care because he's not human, he's a monster.  I've come to realize how much he liked to manipulate people and play with them like puppets or game pieces for his entertainment.  How much he enjoyed flaunting your own ignorance of his actual actions/behaviors right in front of you but in a way that only he knew - that now I realize he was doing but never would have if the events hadn't come to light the way they did.  Giving him an recognition would only please him.  Making him irrelevant is the only way to hurt him - taking away his power that's his Achilles heel.  I'm sooooooooooooo thankful CPS stripped him of his rights and basically his family too.  I hope they all get hit by the karma bus the sooner the better.

NEVER GIVE ANYONE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT - ALWAYS OPERATE FROM THE POSITION OF GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR FAMILY. 

Things can be fixed later, make the children safe first.