Yesterday we were at gymnastics and I saw a father watching his daughter and the love and pride in his gaze was so sweet and I HATE HATE HATE that N doesn't have that (neither do M or K but they have accepted it and while they do still long for it I'm sure it's not as apparent as it is with N) and it just kills me that she doesn't have it.  It's so unfair.

I know he is a monster.  He is evil.  I despise him with every fiber of my being.  I know I can't comprehend what he's done because it is incomprehensible to anyone who isn't like him. 

Last week we were waiting for a pizza in the car and I heard a noise from N and I looked in my rearview mirror and sure enough she was crying.  I was taken aback and asked her what was wrong and she proceeded to tell me she missed her daddy.  When I say she was crying I mean she was heaving and everything.  It was awful.  Heartbreaking.  I told her that I was glad she was talking about her feelings and she can always tell me when she feels upset about something  I said sometimes it's good to cry about things that upset us because crying makes us feel better.  I told her it was ok to feel that way and I was sorry she was sad.  What else do you say?

I would like to write him a letter and tell him about all the harm he has caused these kids but you know what's even worse, I think he would enjoy it; but even if he didn't, he still wouldn't care because he's not human, he's a monster.  I've come to realize how much he liked to manipulate people and play with them like puppets or game pieces for his entertainment.  How much he enjoyed flaunting your own ignorance of his actual actions/behaviors right in front of you but in a way that only he knew - that now I realize he was doing but never would have if the events hadn't come to light the way they did.  Giving him an recognition would only please him.  Making him irrelevant is the only way to hurt him - taking away his power that's his Achilles heel.  I'm sooooooooooooo thankful CPS stripped him of his rights and basically his family too.  I hope they all get hit by the karma bus the sooner the better.

NEVER GIVE ANYONE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT - ALWAYS OPERATE FROM THE POSITION OF GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR FAMILY. 

Things can be fixed later, make the children safe first.