so far no problems with K and M's dad - hopefully I was just being paranoid.

have some great news - I think I have a part time job that I can do from home and work when I want to but I do have to do at least 20 hours per week.  It's grading standardized tests and you make $13 per hour.  This will help me out tremendously!!! Training is supposed to start this week.  Hopefully this will help get me out of my financial pit and I can get back on my feet.  I can also work as many hours as I want up to 40 so AWESOME!!!

K and M's father is escalating.  It's making me very nervous.  I am very paranoid about him  - he hasn't threatened me or anything but any contact makes me nervous.  First he commented on a picture of me that someone posted that I wasn't tagged in so I didn't know about it at first - someone told me about it.  This weekend he somehow got M's number and sent her messages that went like this:

"hey babygirl it's dad.  don't get freaked out n really wish ud keep this between us? if u don't want me to ever text or call I won't! but this is my number n u text for call me whenever u want it be nice if  ud shoot me a text once n awhile I was hopin we could maybe meet n town maybe sometime go to a ballgame this year n hopefully live on the the levee some. will see. i heard the girls u were at embassy with is really great girls. proud of u n try to always stay with positive people that want good things n life do u know where XXXX market is i live across st last brick building on the right at very end of street n town opposite of river i love u bunch text me n tell k love her bunch n i hope she really doesn't have a bf but if so gu dougie fresh guess i just hope shes being smart n hes good to her as long as hes never ever mean to her n anyway n he goes to college or better have a job 4sure if no retend im in the middle squeezin the heck outt ya bye dougie fresh then i just hope shes happy i want u girls to be happy n just wish college would b ur main goal cause u have 4ever for stupid men lol i support n im on yals team always no matter what n never forget that i try come up with lil money for yal to blow text me love u berry n tell k yal hug each other n p"

this is so hard - I don't know what to do - he's so crazy and manipulative I never know if he really wants to be in the girls life or just wants to terrorize me or find a way to hurt me

if he really wanted to be in their life why hasn't he gotten a job? stopped doing drugs? stopped doing criminal things? I know it's not fair to the girls but I wish he would just disappear for good out of their life

M is pretty sure it's her friend N who gave him her number because this friend N is now saying all the same shit that he told K when he tried to get her to talk to him about a year ago or so and she told him off - he knows M is his last chance and I know M is the weak link she doesn't remember how bad it was with im K does I just wanna run away

So excited M had a 4.3 and K a 3.9 on their report cards!! N got all S's.  Although K is going through a depressive episode right now I can't help but feel proud of them and myself for guiding them back to success in school.  Now if I can just get financially straight things would be great!!!!

well things are still positive - while K is still very moody her grades  are A's and B's and she has been trying to keep her room clean (she hasn't done this in AGES).  She also organized her clothes.  She did tell me she is feeling seriously depressed again so we have scheduled therapy for her. 

M doing great in school still.  She's had some friend problems lately but honestly I think are for the best.  Her friend was not a positive influence in my opinion.  I'm pretty sure her improved attitude is a result of not being around said friend.  We shall see.

N growing up so fast.  Catching a little attitude now and then (from her role models - her sisters) but I nip it in the bud everytime.  She is just so sensitive it's hard to be tough on her - those tears well up and my heart just melts. LOL

Financially things are still not what I would wish but we are making it.  I hate that I can't get the girls clothes they need/want.  Luckily Shaye could care less.  My clothing is mostly hand me downs.

Winter got me down a little - I think I might have a little of that seasonal affective disorder but I've been better in the last few weeks.  It just gets overwhelming sometimes being responsible for these three all by myself with no help from anyone - no extended family, no dad - it sucks.  Then add in my dad who is not one to sugar coat things and says things like "well you are the one who wanted all these kids", "you are the one who picked em (talking about the dads).  My dad is not a bad person but he's not very sympathetic lol.  Both of my parents live out of state now and I have no brothers and sisters and extended family is estranged since I was about 11 so.....it is what it is.

Time for an update AND I have mostly good news!

K just keeps improving.  She still has a long way to go but baby steps!  She hasn't missed any school since the attendance officer talked to her (which was actually at my instigation but she doesn't know that).  Her grades while not fantastic are improving so I can't complain.  She and her sister M actually seem to be getting closer and it makes me SOOOOOOOOOOO happy.  She wants to get a job and had an interview this week.  She panicked right before hand but I talked her down and she went.  I hope she gets it - would do a lot to improve her self esteem.  As far as I know, she hasn't cut for a long time but I haven't checked her arms either.

M is doing pretty awesome.  She has straight A's and seems to be doing very well socially.  Our relationship is also improving and we are getting closer and closer.  She is still very secretive and doesn't like to share a lot but something is better than nothing!  She does still sleep with the lamp on in her room and still has irrational fears of being in the dark or alone and is very self conscious sometimes, but overall I have high hopes for her.

N had a rough start with beginning Kindergarten but seems to have adjusted and is plugging along like the little engine that could.  She is so precious.  She started basketball last night and LOVES it. 

I am blessed beyond measure to be the mother of these daughters of mine.  Their dads don't know what their missing.

Financially I am struggling but not sinking yet.  I'm trying to find a p/t job in sales.  I want some big commissions!

Keep us in your prayers!

Finally some good news!  Things have improved for K - she has made some new friends and things seem to be going a lot better.  Thank goodness because my heart was breaking.

M is doing great at soccer and socially.  She and I butt heads quite often but we have also become closer. 

N is struggling a little bit with anxiety and school/aftercare.  I'm hoping after a few months she will get more comfortable.  The teacher has recommended her for a program they have that will help her with self-esteem and confidence.  Her school seems really great.

I'm also doing pretty well.  A little lonely but usually don't have time to dwell on that.

Looking back it's been a little over two years and I think we are finally starting to recover from what happened.  I am proud of my little family and I have finally realized that I am enough.  That I am valuable, that I'm able to make myself happy. 

I'm working on a couple of things and hopefully in the next six months something big might happen in my life that may change it forever - and no, it's not a man. LOL It's starting a new business.  I'm pretty excited.

Stay blessed and keep us in your prayers - it's working!!!

well here we are at the start of a new school year and little N's first year.  Looking back it has been a pretty good summer all in all.  K has def improved over the summer and we had high hopes of her return to school - unfortunately those have not come to fruition.  She is almost being shunned by her "friends" - they are polite to her but in the past three days of school she has ate lunch by herself.  If only there was someone who would reach out to her to make her feel welcome and wanted but evidently those "friends" are evil little bitches with zero empathy - I'd like to tell them all about themselves and punch them in the face.  Really we shouldn't be surprised, she hadn't heard from them all summer.  Not one.  She does have a place to go at lunch in the office so she doesn't feel like humiliated.  She's too fragile to reach out on her own - hopefully as the school year goes on she will meet new people and make new friends.  A new friend she made over the summer goes to her school , but she got sick and is missing the first week - after she comes back I hope things start to change.  If only Jordan would get involved in some type of activity at school it would help her make friends also but she is too self-conscious to try anything.  The vp and the counselor you would think would be able to help in this area but have been practically useless except for making the "safe space" available.   All this money spent on suicide prevention and what has it done for my girl? Not a damn thing.  I did talk to her about an alternative and she said that she didn't want to quit that "they" would just say "she couldn't handle it this year either" - I'm proud and sad all at the same time.  M is doing great - she gave up cheer and tried out for soccer.  She really seems to enjoy it and I'm glad and she's working hard.  It did cost me a lot of money - I swear I don't know how people do it - I mean I make a pretty good salary and I'm seriously struggling.  Of course I do have three kids and no child support.

More to write but gotta go.

Keep us in your prayers!