I've been in a funk lately - just generally feeling worn out and exhausted.  Quit exercising in the mornings because I could barely manage enough energy to get out of bed to get ready for work much less exercise.  This blogger pretty much nailed it

http://paulasponderings.com/2015/05/03/outside-of-myself-looking-in/

Do you ever have that feeling? That you are watching yourself live life from the outside?  I feel like I’m outside my body, watching myself from above, “live” life.  And I put live in quotes because I’m not living right now, I’m just getting by.  I struggle to get up in the morning.  When I do, I get ready – barely.  I do bathe or shower most days, but I rarely wear makeup.  I don’t put on my nice clothes – why?  I do finally make it to work or get to my tasks on the weekends.. but barely.  At work I can focus on most tasks, but it feels like it takes much longer than normal.  Then I go home at night, get into my pajamas and do nothing. I am watching a bunch of series on Netflix and Amazon, I’m just home.
All this time, I’m doing nothing, my mind is spinning.  spinning and spinning on everything.  I cant stop it unless I’m sleeping or high (I just got my medicinal marijuana license).  As I’m doing all this “living”, I’m outside myself, watching over, screaming at myself to get off my ass and get going.
So I know I need to get up, get going, and do the things that will turn life around for me. But I don’t do them. It’s been going on for a while now, and I have to wonder why I haven’t pulled out of this funk or why I am sabotaging myself.
Have you ever felt this way – that you know what you need to do, but you continue down the same path, not moving forward.. ?  How did you get out of it?

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 N's grandma, his mother, contacted me last week.  I didn't answer the phone, she left a message: "Hi L, this is soandso, I would like to talk to you about seeing N.  I hope you will find it in your heart to let me see her.  Please call me back."

I did not.  N has finally stopped talking about her spermdonor - I don't want to get that started back up again.  Not to mention this woman stole from me (A $800 tv, $1000 generator and $3k out of the bank account) and her granddaughter basically at a time when I was struggling mightily.  Never did she offer to help or check on N.  Yes, she did show up at the house that ONE time - unannounced - um no - you need to talk to me first.  Why would I want someone who so clearly has no moral compass around my daughter? I don't.  Not to mention she raised a monster.  A small part of me feels like I'm being spiteful and perhaps I should reconsider.  A friend of mine said I should offer a supervised visit at the local McD by me - but I'm just not ready for that.  Sue me.

K is about the same.  Maybe a little improved with the depression.  I'm still trying to find a residential treatment facility for her - I found one I really liked but even with my insurance they still wanted $5k up front - don't have that kind of money sorry.

M is doing pretty well still - she's definitely not like she was before but she doesn't have as many problems as K.  When I say before - M used to be confident, try anything, easygoing, adventurous, outgoing - now she is more selfconscious, anxious, backward, and cautious.  I swear if I had the chance I'd kill him with my bare hands.  He took so much from them.

He took from me also.  It's been two years almost and I'm so closed off from people.  I don't trust anyone and I can't let down my guard.  I keep the real me hidden. I read an article on betrayal recently and it talked about how when the life you thought you were living turns out to be a lie, you don't trust your own judgement anymore and that is so true.  I still obsess alot over how I didn't see what was really going on and I still feel so guilty.  It's also affected my parenting.  Even though I try, I feel as though I'm a pretender to the throne.  I feel as if my girls don't really trust me as a parent because I failed so spectacularly.  That they don't trust my judgement and see me as lacking.  It's hard to parent when you feel you are not fit to parent.

N is doing good.  She brings me so much joy as well as the girls.  She is what holds us all together I think.

Things are going ok - not fantastic but not terrible either.  K is on home bound now meeting with a teacher two days per week and going to therapy once per week.  While she can still be volatile and still voices some concerning thoughts about suicide, I do feel we are better than we were. 

M is doing well - I would say very well but she's been having some friend problems.  While I would prefer her to make a new group of friends since I'm not really impressed with her current group, I was becoming concerned that she was becoming depressed and withdrawn since she wasn't hanging out with them like she had been and wasn't making any effort to make new friends.  Within the last couple weeks that has changed and I'm less concerned.  She is doing well in school and our relationship has also improved by leaps and bounds.

N is her little happy self.  She is growing up too fast and starting to sound more mature and I'm sad, but I know that's how it goes.  I am glad I kept her in the schools I have because she seems less worldly than the girls did at her age, and I think part of that is because of what the girl's dad exposed them to and the fact that they were in a program that was extremely large and the base was more lower middle to lower income rather than N's current one which is higher, upper, middle income.  Not to say there aren't a few kids on the lower income scale, but they are the minority not the majority which is the opposite of what the girls grew up in.

Me, I'm doing ok. Had a hopefully minor financial setback that I hope won't turn into a major one.  Please keep us in your prayers.

If you are reading this and your child was molested, it does get better.  We are close to two years out and starting to feel a little normal again. 

I'm hoping that we are turning the corner.  Lately we really seem to be coming together as a family again and hopefully leaving the terrible times behind -  I know it's not gonna be smooth but things are better and that gives me hope.  We have all become so much closer and loving with each other and it makes me so happy.  As I look back I see the mistakes I made and how my go along to get along nature contributed to the problem.  I see that my low self esteem and poor self confidence made it easy for him.  I look back now and am amazed at how easily I was manipulated.  It's hard to admit and it makes me feel like shit, but only by recognizing my mistakes can I correct them. 

My oldest daughter K and I were just talking about some stuff and I realized that in my whole life I've never been single and lived alone.  From the time I was 13 until I was 16 I had a boyfriend, then from 16-22 a different one, then from 23-2004 I was with my oldest girls dad, then after I divorced him I was only single for about 2 months then I lived with a guy for about 2 years, then after less than a month I met N's dad and we started seeing each other and moved in together after about 6 months. Pathetic I know BUT I have been single now for over a year and living on my own and surprise surprise doing better than I ever have in my life financially and emotionally.  I can only imagine how much more successful I would have been in life had I not tied myself to men all the time because honestly they were like anchors around my feet always. 

This article was the beginning of my epiphany but it still took a while because the monster only exhibited a couple of these signs BUT any of them are still bad and I didn't pick up on it - the main ones being quick attachment and expression and entitlement with bad stories and eventually came walking on eggshells but by then it was too late.

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

If a man has any of the characteristics on the above list - he's bad news and you need to get away AS FAST AS YOU CAN

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but before Christmas I received  a message from a guy I had a very brief rebound thing with when I was 16.  I mean like we talked for like a week lol.  The message was something like this, "hey kristi I know we haven't talked to each other in a long time but I have something I'd like to give to you.  Please contact me at this number".  I was like what???? I haven't seen or talked to this guy in like 25 years what could he possibly have to give me.  I was at a football game so I didn't text him til later that evening and he calls me and tells me that he feels led by God to give me some money to help me out with Christmas.  I was flabbergasted.  I was in disbelief.  I didn't know what to think.  I was like are you serious? Is this a joke? Which I remembered hearing at some time or another that he had become very religious and maybe was even a preacher so that was in the back of my mind.  Well he was serious and he gave me $300.  I'm not kidding.  He does have a good job and owns his own farm, but still. 

Last week he contacts me again and says they had slaughtered some cattle on his farm and he wants to give me some and also some money.  Sure enough he meets me and gives me a huge bag of hamburger, steaks, and roasts and $300. 

He says that it makes him feel good to help people that are trying and doing their best and it's hard to find people willing to accept help. 

I call him my guardian angel.

Yesterday we were at gymnastics and I saw a father watching his daughter and the love and pride in his gaze was so sweet and I HATE HATE HATE that N doesn't have that (neither do M or K but they have accepted it and while they do still long for it I'm sure it's not as apparent as it is with N) and it just kills me that she doesn't have it.  It's so unfair.

I know he is a monster.  He is evil.  I despise him with every fiber of my being.  I know I can't comprehend what he's done because it is incomprehensible to anyone who isn't like him. 

Last week we were waiting for a pizza in the car and I heard a noise from N and I looked in my rearview mirror and sure enough she was crying.  I was taken aback and asked her what was wrong and she proceeded to tell me she missed her daddy.  When I say she was crying I mean she was heaving and everything.  It was awful.  Heartbreaking.  I told her that I was glad she was talking about her feelings and she can always tell me when she feels upset about something  I said sometimes it's good to cry about things that upset us because crying makes us feel better.  I told her it was ok to feel that way and I was sorry she was sad.  What else do you say?

I would like to write him a letter and tell him about all the harm he has caused these kids but you know what's even worse, I think he would enjoy it; but even if he didn't, he still wouldn't care because he's not human, he's a monster.  I've come to realize how much he liked to manipulate people and play with them like puppets or game pieces for his entertainment.  How much he enjoyed flaunting your own ignorance of his actual actions/behaviors right in front of you but in a way that only he knew - that now I realize he was doing but never would have if the events hadn't come to light the way they did.  Giving him an recognition would only please him.  Making him irrelevant is the only way to hurt him - taking away his power that's his Achilles heel.  I'm sooooooooooooo thankful CPS stripped him of his rights and basically his family too.  I hope they all get hit by the karma bus the sooner the better.

NEVER GIVE ANYONE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT - ALWAYS OPERATE FROM THE POSITION OF GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR FAMILY. 

Things can be fixed later, make the children safe first.

Christmas for the Girls - I think I may have went a wee bit overboard BUT we had a sucky christmas last year so..........

N (5 years old)
Santa present - Island Princess dollhouse/vanity (can be used as a dollhouse or vanity it's like convertible) with a bench seat that can house the accessories and two barbies

DSi with three games
My Little Pony Friendship Castle with three ponies
My Little Pony walkie talkies
Doc McStuffin's mobile play tent with dr kit
Playdoh Set
Jewlrey box
Snow boots
Elsa/Olaf game
Butterfly in a Jar (her request)

M (13 almost 14)
Xbox 360 w/wireless controller headset and 4 games
Northface osito jacket

K (15)
Ralph Lauren Riding boots
Northface osito jacket

Both older girls
wireless bluetooth speaker
makeup set
makeup brush set
portable USB stick charger for iPhone
perfume
bath/body works set

Judy - she is currently on 90 mg of cymbalta and 5 mg of abilify but he just recently added the 30g of cymbalta she was on 60mg I hope it helps too I wish there was  a generic version of abilify that stuff is expensive even with insurance!!!

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well so far so good with the program BUT according to K they have not done any individual therapy with her yet so yesterday I called them one to confirm that which was true and two asked about it so hopefully they will get that going -  K also says group therapy not must substance to it so not sure if that is helping either but at least she goes without complaint she did say she liked going there better than regular school which is sad - I loved going to school and being with my friends - she confirmed again with this place that she had been sexually molested which is good I think that she is bringing it out in the open and maybe this is why she is starting to do better because she's not keeping it secret any longer - for some reason I am having a harder time believing that this happened to her although I don't let her know that - mostly because she didn't tell in the beginning when it all came out about her sister even though I asked her repeatedly as did the forensic psychologist that interviewed them for the case but I understand that she wasn't ready

M is doing pretty well still - I wish K had M's resilience - I mean maybe M will have trouble later I don't know but right now she seems to be doing fantastic - she also has good self esteem and doesn't let people's opinions dictate her life which I wish K had

N is still her little joyful self and she has started to be able to talk about her dad without breaking down - it's still sad but it helps to know that she is coming to terms with his status.

This excercise program I have started has done wonders for me I wish I had done it a long time ago, but better late than never!