this is a letter I wrote in April to him but never sent - my thinking was there is no point in sending it to him as it wouldn't make him feel bad at all and he might even get enjoyment from it - so I didn't send it but it did help me to write it :

I know now I never really knew you.  The person I thought you were doesn’t exist because the person I thought you were would NEVER have done what you have done.  You don’t love someone and then turn around and hurt the most precious things in the world to them, their children.  You don’t destroy the only thing they ever feel like they have done right, which is being a good mom. 

How could you betray me like this? How did you justify this to yourself? But I guess that’s just it, you didn’t because we didn’t matter to you.  We were just objects to help you achieve your goals whether that was sexually or whatever.

I bet you must have been laughing at me all the time while you were making such a fool of me.  That makes me so angry, but I’m trying to let that go because your not worth it.  Expending any thought or energy on you would just be wasting more of my time on someone who didn’t deserve it.  I made a big mistake letting you into our lives.  I didn’t realize my own value nor my children’s, I should have been more careful and protective of us and who I allowed to become a part of our life.  That’s on me.  I made a terrible choice when I gave you a chance and I will regret it every day of my life.  I thought the worst thing that could ever happen to me had already happened, but I was wrong.  What you did was the most terrible thing that could ever happen except one of my children dying.  Honestly I don’t know how you live with yourself.  You are a sick and disgusting person to do the things you did to M and probably other girls too like A and T and maybe even K because I do think you molested K too and she has blocked it out.  No wonder you were so stressed out all the time because maintaining such a façade must have required a lot of effort, to pretend to be so “honest” and loyal and trying to make sure that the girls turned into successful adults – what a bunch of fucking bullshit, because the whole time you were sexually abusing them and physically and emotionally abusing K.  No wonder they never wanted to stay at home with you but you were good at camouflaging that with your “rules” and how they just didn’t like you because now they weren’t in “control” anymore.  I was the stupid one who fell for all of your bullshit and I take full responsibility for that, but the fact is you LIED and DECEIVED, if you had been honest about your real intentions and thoughts we would  never had been together.  I really think this was your plan from the very beginning.  I’ve done a lot of reading since this happened and your actions fit the profile to a T.  How you just wanted to help me because you could see I was overwhelmed and needed it and you would be more than willing to help me out with the girls (what over 40 man wants to babysit??? None!!! I was so dumb and the sad thing is I knew this I had read it before but I listened to your words not your actions for way too long and you were good with words).  How you tried to control things that had to do with them and trying to get them to drink???? And encouraging them to skinny dip after you knew I didn’t approve, telling me I was the one with problem because I didn’t think it was appropriate for them to walk from the bathroom naked, or to maintain their privacy.  I also found it funny that you told CPS I was fucked up from the rape – really exactly how was I fucked up???? Please illuminate me (I already know you just said that because it sounded good, to try and make me look bad) and also how you told CPS that I participated in the skinnydipping – um never.  Lies lies and more lies.  And these are just the ones I know about, I’m sure there are many more.  Like I think you probly were chasing after your SIL, it probably killed you that she came into all that money and you wanted to see if you could be a part of that and finally be “rich”.  I realize now that most of the things you said were actually the opposite of the way you really felt, like money wasn’t important to you, money was VERY important to you, that your sexuality was vanilla, no it was perverted, that you were honest to a fault, not at all you are actually very deceptive.  I wish now that when I found you that one night with Paul’s girlfriend and her friends that I had ended our relationship then but we had N and I hesitated and overthought it - that’s why you got me pregnant wasn’t it? I remember how you started to deny that you were the one that wanted me to have a baby – I would think what the fuck is he talking about that he never said that??? I never wanted to have a baby, I was the one who listed all the reasons why it wouldn’t be a good idea and you shot down all of them, but that’s because it really wasn’t about having a baby it was about creating ties to you and a reason to not leave you and not to betray when I found out the truth about you, but you were wrong weren’t you? I bet you were surprised when they showed up asking for your phone? I have to admit I savor that thought, thinking of you realizing that you were caught, that your dumbass wife had outsmarted you, outmaneuvered you.  Yeah, I was dumb for a LONG time, but that’s because I’m a REAL person, I don’t treat people like they are objects, I am genuine and I was trying to treat you as I would want to be treated and all the time you were just manipulating all of us.  I wish you would just kill yourself so I don’t ever have to tell N who and what her father is, I can just say you died and leave it at that, because it’s clear to me now that you never nor do you now care in any way about her.  You didn’t care that you were molesting her sister, how did you think that was gonna make her feel? You didn’t care that she is going to have to grow up with a molester for a father.   You didn’t care if her mother was going to make it through this and have a job, no you were just worried about your money and your boat.  Your poor Mom, she still can’t see you for who you really are, she did your bidding like a little minion and created even more drama but I don’t put up with that type of behavior, once she showed me that she was putting you above N, I realized that I couldn’t trust her and she didn’t deserve to be a part of Ns life, like I told her, actions have consequences and we will all have to live with our choices. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, you and her are both pieces of shit.  I decided that the best thing for my family was not to have any contact with yours as I don’t feel any of you are worthy of being in contact with any of us.  I just want you to know that although your mom and other people may believe your bullshit excuses about how M seduced you or whatever crazy ass story your selling, I was there, I know the truth, M was a little girl who wanted a daddy, she was sweet and caring and kind and you tried to destroy that.  I WAS THERE, I SEE NOW WHAT YOU WERE REALLY DOING I SEE YOUR MANIPULATIONS AND   Yeah I know about the sexual exploration you discovered but didn’t tell me about and let me illuminate you that is natural and normal for children when they are very young, especially ones that have been exposed to pornography at a young age like they were by their father and if you had told me like you should have instead of using that as a tool to manipulate them, I would have explained that to you and showed you the research to help you understand.  Like I told your mom, it doesn’t matter if M lied down in front of you and begged you for it, you were the adult, you were my husband, you should have talked to me about it, having sexual contact with a 11 year old, 12 year old child is just plain sick and disgusting.  You are disgusting.  You are a monster and you are EXACTLY where you deserve to be though really I wish I had killed you, you don’t even deserve to exist.  I was in love with the person I thought you were, I hate and despise the person you are and I wish for your death every day.

One thing I must say is that when this terrible thing happened to my family I was supported my friends and family personally and at work.  Words cannot express how helpful this was in me maintaining my sanity.  Although I felt and still feel like a failure as a mother, the fact that my friends and coworkers did not abandon me made me feel a little better, like I wasn't a total pariah a la Casey Anthony.  Yes, that's who I compare myself to a mother who killed her own child.  I try not to focus on my guilt very much because ultimately it's not helpful to the girls or me and that's where the focus needs to be, on their healing and recovery, not a mom pity party.  Plus I think if I allowed myself to wallow in my self-hatred it might get out of hand and cause more harm. 

REALLY great night with the family last night.  It started out kinda bad because I found out that my oldest daughter, K, had inadvertently charged over a $100 worth of stuff through an app to my credit card, luckily Apple refunded my money (THANK YOU APPLE!!!!).  I had given her permission to use it to purchase one thing for $4.99, she said she "thought" she only spent $20 and she was going to give it back to me out of her money.  I explained to her that was fine except she has to ASK first, that she can't unilaterally decide to do that because our financial situation is precarious and even $20 may be too much sometimes.  I have taken her phone for 24 hours and she has to donate the money that she tried to spend to a local charity out of her money (this is money she has saved up).  She hasn't been without a phone for ages and thusly actually spent time out of her room with us AND most importantly everyone got along!  We also decided to start having family nights on Wed!!!! No phones for 2 hours.  My middle daughter, M, (who got her phone replaced yesterday after being without one since May) also shared that in a weird way she was glad she had been without a phone for this time because it had reawakened her to a life outside of her phone and she was glad - I seriously about fell out of my chair. LOL  She shared that she is not going to be stuck on her phone all the time like she was.  She said that she felt like her phone had kept her distanced from her family and she was glad she had reconnected.  I can't even begin to tell you how happy this all made me.  Finally some positive things are happening.  I'm beside myself with joy about my daughters and I rebuilding our foundation as a family, I hope this is a harbinger of good things to come for all of us.

I am also hopefully on the cusp of resolving many financial issues I have been facing and this is also a cause for celebration.  Keep your fingers crossed for us!

In writing this blog, I hope anyone who is unfortunately enough to become involved in a child sexual abuse situation finds it helpful.  I also hope anyone who suspects something is going on reads the links I have provided and trusts their gut.  The first time I ever googled "step dad overly protective over daughter" information popped up related to molestation but I was positive he would NEVER do that - don't ever think it's not possible - cops, doctors, priests, preacher, teachers, people who do good in every other aspect of their lives can be pedophiles so if you get any indication that it MIGHT be happening do your due diligence, don't just assume he would NEVER.

for me the weird thing about our therapy is I don't get much feedback from their therapists.  Is that normal?  the group that we see specializes in the treatment of children who have been sexually/physically abused so I have to trust that they know what their doing but sometimes I wonder.  I have seen positive results so it must be working but it feels weird to me that these people know things about my kids that I don't.  My middle daughter's therapist has told me that ultimately the goal is for her to eventually the goal is for her to talk about what happened to her but that right now they are just generally discussing how abuse affects kids.

my oldest and I had a therapy session together yesterday because her therapist told me when I talked to her about my concerns that her problem with her self worth is related to some things that include me - I was really taken aback by this disclosure because I couldn't really think of what I may have done that had affected her that way, but now just as I'm writing this, I think it may be my example of how I've let people treat me, namely the male species.  However, her therapist did not adequately convey to mine any of this so we didn't really even get anything resolved regarding that, but we did air out some things and I think cleared some air between my daughter and I which resulted in some positive outcomes. 

I'm not sure if I mentioned before that I had a narrow escape from being molested myself when I was around 8 or 9; I had stayed at my aunt and uncles every summer since my parents divorce for a few weeks they lived on a farm and had four children of their own - great times - until one night I woke up in the bed I shared with my cousin and my uncle was rubbing my arm (I should mention that earlier that night he had been drinking and my cousins and I, 3 girls and 1 boy all close in age, had been dancing in the living room and I remember my uncle watching me with this weird look that now I know was lecherous but didn't understand then), and I didn't say anything I just got up and left and went to the bathroom but I didn't go back to bed, I went and hid until morning and then that same day I called my mom and told her I wanted to go home and I never went back, but I never told anyone, I just said I didn't want to anymore  and no one questioned it. So, when I had children I made sure they were aware of the danger.  I can't remember if I've written about this or not but what bothered me a lot at first was that I had "the talk" with my kids from the time they started daycare and could understand me about good touch, bad touch and if anyone touches them where their swimsuit covers that they should tell Mommy, and how their are people who will tell them lies like they will hurt Mommy if they don't tell me but that isn't true and that they should tell me NO MATTER WHAT because Mommy can fix it. The problem is I didn't keep telling them after they got older.  I thought telling them a few times was enough, BUT IT'S NOT.  The biggest piece of advice I would reiterate is that it needs discussed every year.  I know it's an uncomfortable subject and it sucks that your kids innocence has to be marred but truly would you rather take a chance on that innocence being devastated?  Especially when you consider the statistics.
http://www.nsopw.gov/en-US/Education/FactsMythsStatistics?AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1

• As many as 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually abused at some point in their childhood. ¹
• Most perpetrators are acquaintances, but as many as 47% are family or extended family. ¹
• In as many as 93% of child sexual abuse cases, the child knows the person that commits the abuse. ²
• Approximately 30% of cases are reported to authorities. ³
• Approximately 1.8 million adolescents in the United States have been the victims of sexual assault. ⁴
• 33% of sexual assaults occur when the victim is between the ages of 12 and 17. ⁵
• 82% of all juvenile victims are female. ⁵
• 69% of the teen sexual assaults reported to law enforcement occurred in the residence of the victim, the offender, or another individual. ⁵
• Teens 16 to 19 years of age were 3 1/2 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. ⁶
• Approximately 1 in 5 female high school students report being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. ⁷
• Approximately 1 in 7 (13%) youth Internet users received unwanted sexual solicitations.⁸
• 4% of youth Internet users received aggressive solicitations, in which solicitors made or attempted to make offline contact with youth.⁸
• 9% of youth Internet users had been exposed to distressing sexual material while online.⁸
• 9.2% of cases of maltreatment of children in 2010 were classified as sexual abuse. ⁹
• Over 63,000 cases of child sexual abuse were reported in 2010. ⁹

Proud of myself yesterday for standing my ground and not letting my guilt parent the girls and it feels good, but honestly, it is hard.  It's so hard not to go above and beyond to assuage my guilt over what happened, but I have to remember it's about them not about making me feel better, I know in the long run it is what is best for them and that helps.  Being so unsure of my self and my perceptions makes it even harder to trust my own judgement after what's happened I don't have confidence at all in my judgement, but it's the only one they have so I just do my best.  We have not sat down yet and had that talk but it is coming.  I think I would save myself a lot of grief if I would get it done, but it just never seems like the right time. 

Never having had siblings I have a really hard time understanding how the girls can hate each other one day and then a few days later seem almost like friends.  I think a lot of it may have to do with my unforgiving nature - I try to always be civil when having a disagreement and I never say things I don't mean in the heat of anger and I expect the same from others even though intellectually I know most people don't operate from that standard.  So once you do say something to me insulting or hurtful, I never forget it because in my mind if you said it then you think it. I know this is unhealthy and probably a reason why my circle is small but I guess for me I'd rather have a small circle of people that are quality than a large circle that is not.

My biggest problem is making parenting decisions from guilt instead of from my brain.  My therapist makes me see this so clearly but when I'm in the moment it's SO hard.  I just have to keep repeating to myself - do what's best for them not what makes them happy right now.  I probably should get it tattooed on my hand so I can look at it every time they ask me something!

I also need to get a routine.  Ever since the disclosure I've been operating on the fly with no plan, no structure, just trying to make it through each day as it comes because honestly, I couldn't really think any further than just putting one foot in front of the other (get up, get ready, go to work, come home, cook dinner, wash clothes, bathe the little one, etc).  Now that I don't have a routine, I keep forgetting things or overlooking them and it's causing me problems.  It will also help all of us to have more structure in our life.  I need to make a plan.  That is my goal for the weekend.  To start on a plan and set some goals.

I'm also going to sit down with the girls and have a talk about our family.  It's time for all of us to set some goals and determine who we want to be and how we want to live our life.  This past year my oldest had to do a project on her belief system and she was really at a loss and it made me realize that although I thought I was communicating what I thought were my beliefs they really don't have any clue what I value:  integrity, kindness, loyalty, and fairness.  I think this will also help us a lot.

I need to stop focusing on this terrible thing that happened and we need to move on and overcome it and flourish!  We cannot let this define us.  We cannot let him win.

Things seem to be on an upswing this week which is a good thing - coincidentally none of us are pre-menstrual or menstruating - I mean think about it three women all hormonal at the same time of course things are going to be crazy, but I am definitely enjoying the lull.

I am still struggling financially but things could be worse for sure.  It didn't help that I backed into a pole at the emergency room the other day and knocked out the back glass and dented the door.  I'm not turning it in because I want to try and keep my insurance rate the same, so another $500 or so out the window.  However, a friend of mine is fixing the other cars' problems for free so you can't beat that!

I'm really excited about August because I get paid three times that month so basically an extra paycheck and that will help tremendously!

Hope the rest of the week stays calm.

Therapy day today - thank god I have some people helping me navigate this nightmare and I don't feel so alone.  I really have no confidence in my own perceptions/ideas/theories anymore because I failed to see who he really was - being fooled like that really makes you feel unsure of yourself.  If you can be so completely deceived how can you ever trust in anything again? Especially yourself.

Today I watched a video of our daughter when she was a baby.  I can hear his voice in the background sounding so normal.  It's surreal.  I was looking for video to post for Throwback Thursday and not realizing his voice would be in the video I clicked on it (I try to avoid looking at or seeing anything associated with him) and there it was and I felt like puking.  I just want to be alone with him in a room tied up and stab him repeatedly over and over and over until he begs for mercy and then just keep stabbing him and torture him until he dies in the most painful way possible.  I want to punish his family for not informing me of things they knew/suspected until it benefited them.  I want everyone to suffer as we have suffered.