Christmas for the Girls - I think I may have went a wee bit overboard BUT we had a sucky christmas last year so..........

N (5 years old)
Santa present - Island Princess dollhouse/vanity (can be used as a dollhouse or vanity it's like convertible) with a bench seat that can house the accessories and two barbies

DSi with three games
My Little Pony Friendship Castle with three ponies
My Little Pony walkie talkies
Doc McStuffin's mobile play tent with dr kit
Playdoh Set
Jewlrey box
Snow boots
Elsa/Olaf game
Butterfly in a Jar (her request)

M (13 almost 14)
Xbox 360 w/wireless controller headset and 4 games
Northface osito jacket

K (15)
Ralph Lauren Riding boots
Northface osito jacket

Both older girls
wireless bluetooth speaker
makeup set
makeup brush set
portable USB stick charger for iPhone
perfume
bath/body works set

Judy - she is currently on 90 mg of cymbalta and 5 mg of abilify but he just recently added the 30g of cymbalta she was on 60mg I hope it helps too I wish there was  a generic version of abilify that stuff is expensive even with insurance!!!

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well so far so good with the program BUT according to K they have not done any individual therapy with her yet so yesterday I called them one to confirm that which was true and two asked about it so hopefully they will get that going -  K also says group therapy not must substance to it so not sure if that is helping either but at least she goes without complaint she did say she liked going there better than regular school which is sad - I loved going to school and being with my friends - she confirmed again with this place that she had been sexually molested which is good I think that she is bringing it out in the open and maybe this is why she is starting to do better because she's not keeping it secret any longer - for some reason I am having a harder time believing that this happened to her although I don't let her know that - mostly because she didn't tell in the beginning when it all came out about her sister even though I asked her repeatedly as did the forensic psychologist that interviewed them for the case but I understand that she wasn't ready

M is doing pretty well still - I wish K had M's resilience - I mean maybe M will have trouble later I don't know but right now she seems to be doing fantastic - she also has good self esteem and doesn't let people's opinions dictate her life which I wish K had

N is still her little joyful self and she has started to be able to talk about her dad without breaking down - it's still sad but it helps to know that she is coming to terms with his status.

This excercise program I have started has done wonders for me I wish I had done it a long time ago, but better late than never!

well K is now enrolled in that 7 week program - starts tomorrow.  I have high hopes - which normally I'm usually a little more pessimistic thinking when it comes to expectations as in hope for the best expect the worst but the guy we worked with really seemed to know what he was talking about and he seemed to be able to communicate with K in a way that seemed hopeful - plz plz plz let this work out - I kinda wish they offered a longer term BUT it's better than nothing!!!

things have been pretty calm since the last crisis with K but that's pretty much because I haven't been rocking the boat - in other words making any demands or expectations for K.

Her diagnosis as of now:

severe clinical depression with rule out for psychosis
generalized anxiety disorder with rule out for PTSD

he said she said some things during their one on one interview that were kinda red flaggy for psychosis but not so blatant that alarms were going off so they are going to attempt to rule it out - I know exactly what he means when he said this so I'm kinda glad to hear he thought it to

he thinks she might have PTSD which could be causing the anxiety and other things

I was very impressed

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still doing my 7 minute workout going on about three weeks I think - I'm proud of myself.  I love this because 1)it's quick, 2) can do at home no equipment needed.  I'm sooooooooo glad I read about this workout plan.  I can really tell a difference in how I feel physically and mentally.

Judy  you just don't know how much your comments mean to me and thank you soooooooooo much for your encouragement and support.

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weekend was pretty good but BUSY.  Cheer comp sat had to be up at 6am - it was a super beautiful day temps in 70s took N to park/playground after comp surly teenagers were invited but chose not to go and honestly I was glad they just would have complained and asked to go home about 15 minutes after we got there so N and I stayed until dark.  These two dads with two kids each that I think were brothers too entertained all the kids on the playground for a good hour with the flying fox cable thingy the other moms and I were like we should be paying them lol

went to the hs playoff game sat night and was having a good time til the 2nd quarter and K asks to go to car and get her phone - she wsa with a boy - and I said you have 10 minutes and then she proceeds to ignore my phone calls/texts til I actually leave to go check on them and meet them coming in the gate.  We left I told her she was grounded and she has the nerve to act like she doesn't understand.  January can't come soon enough.  She is just not even trying.  I'm afraid to punish her too much because I'm afraid she will hurt herself - you can't parent like that.  So she is going to have to go somewhere where she can't hurt herself AND she is given limits and learns how to accept them.  Everytime I give her the benefit of the doubt she plays me for a fool again.

lots going on not sure why I haven't posted but I'm just gonna jump back in to the present:

1.  CPS thing still not over but I think it will be soon had to send in release to counselor could talk to social worker (um didn't have to sign a release when she reported me! lol)

2.  tax thing fixed - sent in copies of my taxes and birth certificates they have retracted the lock in letter designating me as single no allowances back to my original status YAY!!!

3. K not much better - she was doing pretty well and then bam crashes and burns again.  Hope is on the horizon changing her to a program recommended by school for 6-8 weeks if she doesn't do better then looks like she will be going to residential treatment center for up to 3 months maybe 6 - they call it.

4.   looks like K and M's dad lost/quit his job, no child support this month :( bummer

5.  M's team won their cheer comp this past weekend YAY!!!!  She was so happy.

6.  Car at dealership this morning hopefully fixing the shocks and door handle problem thank god it's still under warranty!

7.  Been feeling a little lonely lately for someone to share my life with and feeling like that is never gonna happen for me due to my situation.  Just don't think the girls will be able to handle it especially K.

8.  Gonna start working on a plan - I know I've said it before but at least I have good intentions!

well haven't posted in some time - life just gets in the way sometimes.

turns out my daughter M's therapist is the one that made the report to CPS AND it turns out this was from something that my daughter told her in August AND in her notes it wasn't real clear AND she got it wrong - yes she waits a month to report it but she's a mandatory reporter - I was furious.  When we went to therapy the next week M told her therapist about it and she realized she had made a mistake in what she reported, she at least was man enough to take responsibility and let me know that she was the one but I'm still blown away by this.  Granted she has not known us that long - M's original therapist got a new job - but still, don't you think you would be SURE of what you heard before you report it?  However, since the therapist has admitted her mistake this will hopefully blow over with no problem, it already would be I think but the original worker is no longer on that unit and the case is being reassigned - ridiculous.

Got a letter from the IRS and my exemption is being changed to single due to the tax shenanigans by the ex.  I normally claim 8 because I always get money back at the end of the year and I want my money during the year not as a lump sum at the end because as a single mother of three with NO child support, I need all the money I can get.  So, supposed to get my first paycheck like that this week, this will be a bad month financially.  I have contacted the tax payer advocate and they are going to assist me with getting it changed to 4, but that will probably take up to 30 days.

Luckily the girls seem to be doing ok right now (knock on wood), so that is one thing to be thankful for and I am because ultimately that is the most important thing.

Pray for us please.

the shit storm just never ends - my friends tell me they don't know how I'm still making it and honestly sometimes I don't either.

On Thur of last week I decided to surprise my middle daughter, M, at the pep rally (she cheers). I got there a few minutes after it started because I knew she would be more nervous if she saw me.  When I walked in I saw the principal and he called me over.  He said, "M's in the office.".  I was like what? He said "CPS is here and I tried to get them to come back later so she wouldn't miss the pep rally but they insisted, do you want to go over there (we were in gym)".  Yes of course.  He takes me over and the social worker introduces herself, I'm sure she was surprised that I had shown up.  I asked her what was going on and she said that someone had called in and said that I allowed M to smoke marijuana at her friends house as long as the friend's mom was supervising.  No, I'm not kidding.  They seriously are investigating this absolutely ridiculous accusation. Of course they can't tell you who called in AND no the person didn't say whose friends house or provide any details about that but they sure provided details about us.  Go figure.  So, Friday I had to meet her at lunch and be "interviewed".  Tue she is coming to the house to "interview" the girls.  I'm disgusted and furious.  Firstly, M was so upset and crying, who would put her through this after all she has already been through????? and me? and the rest of the girls????  What evil terrible person hates me so much that they are doing everything they can to destroy my life because the girls are my life.  I'm devastated.

This is the third time I've had CPS called on me in less than 2 1/2 years.  The first time was when they investigated an allegation that the girls were being molested and it was closed as unfounded (but as you know that later turned out to be true), the second time was three weeks AFTER I had reported him to authorities and he had already been arrested and someone called in and said that I knew about the abuse and did nothing (because whomever it was didn't know that I was the one who turned him in), and now this.  I feel harassed, I feel targeted, I feel like a loser.  These people don't know me, they don't know my kids they just see a single mother whose had CPS called on them three times.  I'm afraid.

Why is this happening to me????? What have I ever done to deserve all the terrible things that have happened in my life???? For once, I'm just gonna say it - I am a good person, I'm a nice person, I'm honest, loyal, fair, I have integrity, I do the right thing and what am I getting for it??? The shaft - constantly.

The worst thing is I was completely blindsided by this.  I mean in my mind I have few enemies - N's father, M&K's father, N's father's extended family.  However the weird thing is that N told me a month or two ago that her friends mother let's her friend smoke pot.  It just seems  weird that the allegation is so close to this statement but yet about me, so to me it feels like N told someone something and it got twisted but you would think it would at least include N not M.  How did M's name get involved if that's the case.  I just don't get it.  I would pay big money to know who called CPS. I am dying to know but no they get to hide behind anonymity the cowards.

K goes back to counseling tomorrow.  I talked to her therapist today and told her everything I knew.

She has been doing well (as far as I know - going to check her phone tonight).

I'm not sure if I disclosed that she told me that her former stepfather made her and M have sex together in front of him.  When I talked to M about it she said it wasn't true.  She also said that her biological father molested her when she was around 5 or so.  I don't know what to think.  I don't know if she is telling the truth ( she says she is having flashbacks), making it up or just confused.  Lord knows she's been through so much.  It's so unfair.  However, I have to say that when he started having supervised visitation ( I requested that his visitation be at a facility run by domestic violence advocats, the family court gave him overnights with his mom as the supervisor EVEN AFTER my attorney pointed out that his own mother had filed  a DVP less than six months ago against him - that is why I think family court is a scary place where crazy shit happens) at his mother's was when her personality began to change.  Up until that time she had been such a happy sweet child.  I always attributed it to the divorce and domestic violence. 

When I think about what my kids have been through I just feel like the worlds worst mother.  I feel like I'm the mom I used to read about and think what a terrible mother and now I'm her.  I hate myself.  I don't even deserve to be called mother.  Sometimes I wish I had killed him, then I might hate myself a little less.

I'm really not sure what to do....

I checked K's phone while she was in the shower. I wonder if she subconsciously wants me to because she hasn't changed the password.  I am planning on checking it again soon with her knowledge but I had the chance this morning and I took it.  Be careful what you wish for...

It's amazing how well she is able to make me think she is doing well.  When I read her messages I realize that I don't know her at all.  I'm not sure if she says the things she says because they are true or because she is manipulative and wants attention.  She's telling one girl she is doing really bad and then in another message to someone else that they can't come over because I have cameras everywhere because I'm monitoring her, which is not true.  She is telling another boy that she wants to have sex with him in his car at lunch at school.  I found out that she had sex with another boy a while back.  She is totally out of control.  I'm glad I looked at her messages because she is NOT going anywhere or doing anything unless I'm right there with her period.  Even though I had read her messages after she went into the hospital and realized that she was unstable, I was hoping that the change in medication would help her but apparently that is not so, but she is less moody, like her moods don't fluctuate as intensely and she is not as irritable.  I'm also taking her and getting her put on birth control ASAP.  This is really freaking me out.  She turns 15 Oct 4th.

although I wish my not posting was due to things going well, alas that's not the case

weekend before last my oldest daughter K had another crisis - the weekend started out great she cheered the away game looked happier than I had seen her in ages but later she told me that usually after she has a high like that she usually experiences a bigger depression and that was exactly what happened.  Terrible mood on Sat a little better on Sunday but bummed because no one would go to the movies with her (including me which I really regret now) but it looked like finally she had found someone to go with her so we went to store to get her some meds she was catching a cold.  On way there I brought up that I wanted her to clean up her social media accounts and I really did not expect her to be so upset about it - we got into a huge argument which then escalated into her cussing me out and I lost it we got back in the car and she asked me where were were going and I told her I was putting her back in the hospital (during our argument she revealed she had been drinking and smoking pot) and she jumped out of the car while I was driving it - I managed to put on the brakes when she opened the door but still we had to be going at least 20mp.  Luckily she just got a few scrapes.  It was chaos.  Finally I got her back home and we talked a little calmer because by this time she wasn't defiant anymore but crying and begging.  So I didn't take her but we agreed to some changes in her privileges.  I did let her go to movie and I thought everything was going to be ok.  Later that evening she came to me and asked me to buy her some cheap headphones because she had left hers at school and I had to run to Kmart anyway to I told her I would get her some.  In a bit I left, when I got to parking lot of Kmart which is about 10 minutes away from my house, M called and said I needed to come back home right now, K was cutting herself.  I drove back home like a deamon, hit the bumper of my car on driveway post, and found K in the bathroom on the floor looking like she was dying.  Her cuts turned out to be pretty superficial but it was really scary.  She was in the hospital for a week.  They have changed her meds again.  The also said if she comes back again, she will go to a long term facility.

Unfortunately, I felt like a lot of what happened was my fault.  I shouldn't have threatened her in the car with going back to the hospital.  I shouldn't have started the talk at that time, but I really did not expect her to react that way.  Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done and I wish I had done a better job.  Every day I hate myself for my choices and how they have affected my kids.  If only I could go back and change it, but I can't.  I can only hope and pray that she will overcome her demons and realize her potential.

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oh and I left out the part where I told her cheer coaches the truth and they decided not to put her on the competition team which I'm sure in her condition was a great feeling - and honestly it really makes me angry.  I mean if she was a diabetic, had asthma or cancer they wouldn't do that so why is it ok to do that because "she might have another breakdown and we can't count on her" - um a diabetic or asthmatic might do the same PLUS a couple of those girls won't make grades either but they are taking a chance on that.  She can't help that the chemicals in her brain are messed up you morons.  Ugh I'm sooooooooooooo mad.

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and a freshman girl at a local hs here shot herself with a 40 caliber gun and committed suicide.  That could have been my daughter. Twice she had asked me where my gun was in the past few months and I told her that I honestly was uncomfortable with her knowing where it was and that I felt she was too emotionally unstable to be trusted with it.  I have a gun lock on it and I have the key with me at all times.  This is just so sad and I can't stop thinking about how terrible it is.

Got a 5k bonus at work on Friday - I was flabbergasted to say the least.  Couldn't have come a better time.  Yay for Christmas! lol  Finally I can give the girls a good christmas instead of scrabbling around like I do every year  - they always get what they wanted but I struggle.

K still seems to be on upswing when observing her but when you look at her social media accounts not so much.  So much negativity and still depressive thinking.

M doing better and better every day.  She is AMAZING.

N getting too big for her britches.

Called the prison on Friday regarding having someone talk to him about divorcing but no one called back.  But a big step for me.I had to wait on the divorce for strategic reasons.

Almost have the cars fixed and hopefully can trade them in so I only have one car payment instead of two!

This bonus will also help me get caught up on bills and get K some braces.  I have insurance that covers 2/3 but I still needed about $1200.

Still have not made it to church - it seems like something always comes up but I know I need to make it a priority.

Judy please leave your blog addy, I lost all my bookmarks!!! - I'm so silly I can find it via stats just did it! I'm a little foggy these days.

Thanks!

Things are still going relatively well.  Lots of improvements.  A couple of baby steps backward (lost $350 on Monday not sure where/how but it's definitely gone out of my purse so either I didn't have the pocket zipped up and it fell out or someone at the fundraising booth took it - I'm hoping the former), but all in all pretty good times.

K is still not really into the whole cheer thing at school but I really can't afford all star cheer right now so it will have to do.  They have upped her meds to 60mg of Cymbalta 3mg of Abilify and 25mg of Trazadone after our last appt with her psychiatrist.  I think he was pretty shocked she wanted to go to Highland and at all the other appts I have let K do all the talking but at this one I spoke up and shared things she has told me like the weekend after she came home we were at a breakfast place and she said rather matter of factly, I think I'll just kill myself next week.  When I expressed how shocked I was by that statement she told me that she was just tired of being this way all the time, tired of being unhappy and hateful and she was never going to get better.  I tried to reassure her but if you've ever been around a clinically depressed person (and that is her diagnosis), that doesn't usually work.  Her psychiatrist told her how impressed he was by her reaching out when she was feeling suicidal and told her that she will get better that she's only been under his care for a few months and we were going to get aggressive with treating her and upped all her meds.  So far haven't seen much improvement but they say 30 days to get in your system.  Pray for her.

M is doing pretty well as is N.

Mom is also doing pretty good considering.

K came back home on Tuesday.  She is def improved and improving more every day.  I wonder if I shouldn't have done this back in October of last year and saved all of us a lot of suffering, but I know there is no use wasting time on shoulda coulda woulda, the best thing to do is focus on the future.  Once again I'm hoping things are finally starting to come together.

There have been other lots of positive things happening too like making new friends, helping others, and M seeming to be doing wonderfully despite all she has gone through.  I'm trying to concentrate on the positives and be hopeful. I believe! I believe! I believe!

K woke me up at 4am this morning.   She told me that she is "getting bad" again and that she had cut last night.  She told me that she feels like killing herself and she wanted me to take her to the mental hospital because she doesn't feel like she can control the urge anymore.  Her arm looked terrible, about like these


So, I took her.  Honestly, I think she felt relieved.  I think she wants to be better but what we were doing was not working.  I'm praying they can help her.  I hate to see her like this.  What makes it even crazier is I thought she was doing better.  Yesterday she posted pictures from lunch at school looking like she was having fun, then she went to a festival with a friend.  I thought she was doing good.  Then she wakes me up and tells me my whole perception is totally off.  It makes me feel like I have no powers of perception.  However, I am so glad she told me.  A friend of mine told me he knows three families whose children have committed suicide and there was no warning, no indication that anything was wrong with them, until the killed themselves their families had no idea anything was wrong.  That's scary.

Please keep up in your prayers.

I never really understood depression until I read these two posts:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

I listed them out of order because I actually like the 2nd one better for helping you understand a depressed person who is already depressed.

It's hard to accept that my daughter has depression.  Sunday we had an awesome day, well really a pretty awesome weekend.  Then late evening I'm walking by her room and I think I hear her laughing then moments later I realize she is crying.  I go into her room and ask her what's wrong.  She says nothing.  We talk.  She tells me that she is so tired of being sad all the time.  That she wants to be happy but can't.  This breaks my heart.  This should be the time of her life instead she sits in her room in the dark and cries.  Then I hear about Robin Williams committing suicide.  My daughter assures me all the time she will never do this because she knows how hard it would be on me and she doesn't want to add to my troubles.  She saw the psychiatrist yesterday, he upped her pills to 40mg Prozac.  I'm hoping it helps.  Something to help her brain allow her to experience happiness again.  She started high school on Monday, hates it.  She told me she sat outside by herself at lunch because she was too afraid (self-conscious) to go into the cafeteria.  It's not like she doesn't know people, she went to one of the main feeder schools but she has no "friends" just acquaintances.  Please pray for her.

One of the most profound things I ever read about relationships to determine if it's healthy is if your partner is an anchor around your ankle dragging you down or lifting you up.  If it's dragging you down then you need to stop and reevaluate.  Truth.


I'm not gonna say things are going good because I'm afraid of jinxing it (but I'm sure you can read between the lines).  I mean there are definitely still alot of problems but I'm hopeful for the future - again.  Sometimes I wonder like another blogger I read how many times you can keep picking yourself up after your life gets flattened again, but I guess the answer is as long as it takes.

this is a letter I wrote in April to him but never sent - my thinking was there is no point in sending it to him as it wouldn't make him feel bad at all and he might even get enjoyment from it - so I didn't send it but it did help me to write it :

I know now I never really knew you.  The person I thought you were doesn’t exist because the person I thought you were would NEVER have done what you have done.  You don’t love someone and then turn around and hurt the most precious things in the world to them, their children.  You don’t destroy the only thing they ever feel like they have done right, which is being a good mom. 

How could you betray me like this? How did you justify this to yourself? But I guess that’s just it, you didn’t because we didn’t matter to you.  We were just objects to help you achieve your goals whether that was sexually or whatever.

I bet you must have been laughing at me all the time while you were making such a fool of me.  That makes me so angry, but I’m trying to let that go because your not worth it.  Expending any thought or energy on you would just be wasting more of my time on someone who didn’t deserve it.  I made a big mistake letting you into our lives.  I didn’t realize my own value nor my children’s, I should have been more careful and protective of us and who I allowed to become a part of our life.  That’s on me.  I made a terrible choice when I gave you a chance and I will regret it every day of my life.  I thought the worst thing that could ever happen to me had already happened, but I was wrong.  What you did was the most terrible thing that could ever happen except one of my children dying.  Honestly I don’t know how you live with yourself.  You are a sick and disgusting person to do the things you did to M and probably other girls too like A and T and maybe even K because I do think you molested K too and she has blocked it out.  No wonder you were so stressed out all the time because maintaining such a façade must have required a lot of effort, to pretend to be so “honest” and loyal and trying to make sure that the girls turned into successful adults – what a bunch of fucking bullshit, because the whole time you were sexually abusing them and physically and emotionally abusing K.  No wonder they never wanted to stay at home with you but you were good at camouflaging that with your “rules” and how they just didn’t like you because now they weren’t in “control” anymore.  I was the stupid one who fell for all of your bullshit and I take full responsibility for that, but the fact is you LIED and DECEIVED, if you had been honest about your real intentions and thoughts we would  never had been together.  I really think this was your plan from the very beginning.  I’ve done a lot of reading since this happened and your actions fit the profile to a T.  How you just wanted to help me because you could see I was overwhelmed and needed it and you would be more than willing to help me out with the girls (what over 40 man wants to babysit??? None!!! I was so dumb and the sad thing is I knew this I had read it before but I listened to your words not your actions for way too long and you were good with words).  How you tried to control things that had to do with them and trying to get them to drink???? And encouraging them to skinny dip after you knew I didn’t approve, telling me I was the one with problem because I didn’t think it was appropriate for them to walk from the bathroom naked, or to maintain their privacy.  I also found it funny that you told CPS I was fucked up from the rape – really exactly how was I fucked up???? Please illuminate me (I already know you just said that because it sounded good, to try and make me look bad) and also how you told CPS that I participated in the skinnydipping – um never.  Lies lies and more lies.  And these are just the ones I know about, I’m sure there are many more.  Like I think you probly were chasing after your SIL, it probably killed you that she came into all that money and you wanted to see if you could be a part of that and finally be “rich”.  I realize now that most of the things you said were actually the opposite of the way you really felt, like money wasn’t important to you, money was VERY important to you, that your sexuality was vanilla, no it was perverted, that you were honest to a fault, not at all you are actually very deceptive.  I wish now that when I found you that one night with Paul’s girlfriend and her friends that I had ended our relationship then but we had N and I hesitated and overthought it - that’s why you got me pregnant wasn’t it? I remember how you started to deny that you were the one that wanted me to have a baby – I would think what the fuck is he talking about that he never said that??? I never wanted to have a baby, I was the one who listed all the reasons why it wouldn’t be a good idea and you shot down all of them, but that’s because it really wasn’t about having a baby it was about creating ties to you and a reason to not leave you and not to betray when I found out the truth about you, but you were wrong weren’t you? I bet you were surprised when they showed up asking for your phone? I have to admit I savor that thought, thinking of you realizing that you were caught, that your dumbass wife had outsmarted you, outmaneuvered you.  Yeah, I was dumb for a LONG time, but that’s because I’m a REAL person, I don’t treat people like they are objects, I am genuine and I was trying to treat you as I would want to be treated and all the time you were just manipulating all of us.  I wish you would just kill yourself so I don’t ever have to tell N who and what her father is, I can just say you died and leave it at that, because it’s clear to me now that you never nor do you now care in any way about her.  You didn’t care that you were molesting her sister, how did you think that was gonna make her feel? You didn’t care that she is going to have to grow up with a molester for a father.   You didn’t care if her mother was going to make it through this and have a job, no you were just worried about your money and your boat.  Your poor Mom, she still can’t see you for who you really are, she did your bidding like a little minion and created even more drama but I don’t put up with that type of behavior, once she showed me that she was putting you above N, I realized that I couldn’t trust her and she didn’t deserve to be a part of Ns life, like I told her, actions have consequences and we will all have to live with our choices. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, you and her are both pieces of shit.  I decided that the best thing for my family was not to have any contact with yours as I don’t feel any of you are worthy of being in contact with any of us.  I just want you to know that although your mom and other people may believe your bullshit excuses about how M seduced you or whatever crazy ass story your selling, I was there, I know the truth, M was a little girl who wanted a daddy, she was sweet and caring and kind and you tried to destroy that.  I WAS THERE, I SEE NOW WHAT YOU WERE REALLY DOING I SEE YOUR MANIPULATIONS AND   Yeah I know about the sexual exploration you discovered but didn’t tell me about and let me illuminate you that is natural and normal for children when they are very young, especially ones that have been exposed to pornography at a young age like they were by their father and if you had told me like you should have instead of using that as a tool to manipulate them, I would have explained that to you and showed you the research to help you understand.  Like I told your mom, it doesn’t matter if M lied down in front of you and begged you for it, you were the adult, you were my husband, you should have talked to me about it, having sexual contact with a 11 year old, 12 year old child is just plain sick and disgusting.  You are disgusting.  You are a monster and you are EXACTLY where you deserve to be though really I wish I had killed you, you don’t even deserve to exist.  I was in love with the person I thought you were, I hate and despise the person you are and I wish for your death every day.

One thing I must say is that when this terrible thing happened to my family I was supported my friends and family personally and at work.  Words cannot express how helpful this was in me maintaining my sanity.  Although I felt and still feel like a failure as a mother, the fact that my friends and coworkers did not abandon me made me feel a little better, like I wasn't a total pariah a la Casey Anthony.  Yes, that's who I compare myself to a mother who killed her own child.  I try not to focus on my guilt very much because ultimately it's not helpful to the girls or me and that's where the focus needs to be, on their healing and recovery, not a mom pity party.  Plus I think if I allowed myself to wallow in my self-hatred it might get out of hand and cause more harm. 

REALLY great night with the family last night.  It started out kinda bad because I found out that my oldest daughter, K, had inadvertently charged over a $100 worth of stuff through an app to my credit card, luckily Apple refunded my money (THANK YOU APPLE!!!!).  I had given her permission to use it to purchase one thing for $4.99, she said she "thought" she only spent $20 and she was going to give it back to me out of her money.  I explained to her that was fine except she has to ASK first, that she can't unilaterally decide to do that because our financial situation is precarious and even $20 may be too much sometimes.  I have taken her phone for 24 hours and she has to donate the money that she tried to spend to a local charity out of her money (this is money she has saved up).  She hasn't been without a phone for ages and thusly actually spent time out of her room with us AND most importantly everyone got along!  We also decided to start having family nights on Wed!!!! No phones for 2 hours.  My middle daughter, M, (who got her phone replaced yesterday after being without one since May) also shared that in a weird way she was glad she had been without a phone for this time because it had reawakened her to a life outside of her phone and she was glad - I seriously about fell out of my chair. LOL  She shared that she is not going to be stuck on her phone all the time like she was.  She said that she felt like her phone had kept her distanced from her family and she was glad she had reconnected.  I can't even begin to tell you how happy this all made me.  Finally some positive things are happening.  I'm beside myself with joy about my daughters and I rebuilding our foundation as a family, I hope this is a harbinger of good things to come for all of us.

I am also hopefully on the cusp of resolving many financial issues I have been facing and this is also a cause for celebration.  Keep your fingers crossed for us!

In writing this blog, I hope anyone who is unfortunately enough to become involved in a child sexual abuse situation finds it helpful.  I also hope anyone who suspects something is going on reads the links I have provided and trusts their gut.  The first time I ever googled "step dad overly protective over daughter" information popped up related to molestation but I was positive he would NEVER do that - don't ever think it's not possible - cops, doctors, priests, preacher, teachers, people who do good in every other aspect of their lives can be pedophiles so if you get any indication that it MIGHT be happening do your due diligence, don't just assume he would NEVER.

for me the weird thing about our therapy is I don't get much feedback from their therapists.  Is that normal?  the group that we see specializes in the treatment of children who have been sexually/physically abused so I have to trust that they know what their doing but sometimes I wonder.  I have seen positive results so it must be working but it feels weird to me that these people know things about my kids that I don't.  My middle daughter's therapist has told me that ultimately the goal is for her to eventually the goal is for her to talk about what happened to her but that right now they are just generally discussing how abuse affects kids.

my oldest and I had a therapy session together yesterday because her therapist told me when I talked to her about my concerns that her problem with her self worth is related to some things that include me - I was really taken aback by this disclosure because I couldn't really think of what I may have done that had affected her that way, but now just as I'm writing this, I think it may be my example of how I've let people treat me, namely the male species.  However, her therapist did not adequately convey to mine any of this so we didn't really even get anything resolved regarding that, but we did air out some things and I think cleared some air between my daughter and I which resulted in some positive outcomes. 

I'm not sure if I mentioned before that I had a narrow escape from being molested myself when I was around 8 or 9; I had stayed at my aunt and uncles every summer since my parents divorce for a few weeks they lived on a farm and had four children of their own - great times - until one night I woke up in the bed I shared with my cousin and my uncle was rubbing my arm (I should mention that earlier that night he had been drinking and my cousins and I, 3 girls and 1 boy all close in age, had been dancing in the living room and I remember my uncle watching me with this weird look that now I know was lecherous but didn't understand then), and I didn't say anything I just got up and left and went to the bathroom but I didn't go back to bed, I went and hid until morning and then that same day I called my mom and told her I wanted to go home and I never went back, but I never told anyone, I just said I didn't want to anymore  and no one questioned it. So, when I had children I made sure they were aware of the danger.  I can't remember if I've written about this or not but what bothered me a lot at first was that I had "the talk" with my kids from the time they started daycare and could understand me about good touch, bad touch and if anyone touches them where their swimsuit covers that they should tell Mommy, and how their are people who will tell them lies like they will hurt Mommy if they don't tell me but that isn't true and that they should tell me NO MATTER WHAT because Mommy can fix it. The problem is I didn't keep telling them after they got older.  I thought telling them a few times was enough, BUT IT'S NOT.  The biggest piece of advice I would reiterate is that it needs discussed every year.  I know it's an uncomfortable subject and it sucks that your kids innocence has to be marred but truly would you rather take a chance on that innocence being devastated?  Especially when you consider the statistics.
http://www.nsopw.gov/en-US/Education/FactsMythsStatistics?AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1

• As many as 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually abused at some point in their childhood. ¹
• Most perpetrators are acquaintances, but as many as 47% are family or extended family. ¹
• In as many as 93% of child sexual abuse cases, the child knows the person that commits the abuse. ²
• Approximately 30% of cases are reported to authorities. ³
• Approximately 1.8 million adolescents in the United States have been the victims of sexual assault. ⁴
• 33% of sexual assaults occur when the victim is between the ages of 12 and 17. ⁵
• 82% of all juvenile victims are female. ⁵
• 69% of the teen sexual assaults reported to law enforcement occurred in the residence of the victim, the offender, or another individual. ⁵
• Teens 16 to 19 years of age were 3 1/2 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. ⁶
• Approximately 1 in 5 female high school students report being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. ⁷
• Approximately 1 in 7 (13%) youth Internet users received unwanted sexual solicitations.⁸
• 4% of youth Internet users received aggressive solicitations, in which solicitors made or attempted to make offline contact with youth.⁸
• 9% of youth Internet users had been exposed to distressing sexual material while online.⁸
• 9.2% of cases of maltreatment of children in 2010 were classified as sexual abuse. ⁹
• Over 63,000 cases of child sexual abuse were reported in 2010. ⁹

Proud of myself yesterday for standing my ground and not letting my guilt parent the girls and it feels good, but honestly, it is hard.  It's so hard not to go above and beyond to assuage my guilt over what happened, but I have to remember it's about them not about making me feel better, I know in the long run it is what is best for them and that helps.  Being so unsure of my self and my perceptions makes it even harder to trust my own judgement after what's happened I don't have confidence at all in my judgement, but it's the only one they have so I just do my best.  We have not sat down yet and had that talk but it is coming.  I think I would save myself a lot of grief if I would get it done, but it just never seems like the right time. 

Never having had siblings I have a really hard time understanding how the girls can hate each other one day and then a few days later seem almost like friends.  I think a lot of it may have to do with my unforgiving nature - I try to always be civil when having a disagreement and I never say things I don't mean in the heat of anger and I expect the same from others even though intellectually I know most people don't operate from that standard.  So once you do say something to me insulting or hurtful, I never forget it because in my mind if you said it then you think it. I know this is unhealthy and probably a reason why my circle is small but I guess for me I'd rather have a small circle of people that are quality than a large circle that is not.

My biggest problem is making parenting decisions from guilt instead of from my brain.  My therapist makes me see this so clearly but when I'm in the moment it's SO hard.  I just have to keep repeating to myself - do what's best for them not what makes them happy right now.  I probably should get it tattooed on my hand so I can look at it every time they ask me something!

I also need to get a routine.  Ever since the disclosure I've been operating on the fly with no plan, no structure, just trying to make it through each day as it comes because honestly, I couldn't really think any further than just putting one foot in front of the other (get up, get ready, go to work, come home, cook dinner, wash clothes, bathe the little one, etc).  Now that I don't have a routine, I keep forgetting things or overlooking them and it's causing me problems.  It will also help all of us to have more structure in our life.  I need to make a plan.  That is my goal for the weekend.  To start on a plan and set some goals.

I'm also going to sit down with the girls and have a talk about our family.  It's time for all of us to set some goals and determine who we want to be and how we want to live our life.  This past year my oldest had to do a project on her belief system and she was really at a loss and it made me realize that although I thought I was communicating what I thought were my beliefs they really don't have any clue what I value:  integrity, kindness, loyalty, and fairness.  I think this will also help us a lot.

I need to stop focusing on this terrible thing that happened and we need to move on and overcome it and flourish!  We cannot let this define us.  We cannot let him win.

Things seem to be on an upswing this week which is a good thing - coincidentally none of us are pre-menstrual or menstruating - I mean think about it three women all hormonal at the same time of course things are going to be crazy, but I am definitely enjoying the lull.

I am still struggling financially but things could be worse for sure.  It didn't help that I backed into a pole at the emergency room the other day and knocked out the back glass and dented the door.  I'm not turning it in because I want to try and keep my insurance rate the same, so another $500 or so out the window.  However, a friend of mine is fixing the other cars' problems for free so you can't beat that!

I'm really excited about August because I get paid three times that month so basically an extra paycheck and that will help tremendously!

Hope the rest of the week stays calm.

Therapy day today - thank god I have some people helping me navigate this nightmare and I don't feel so alone.  I really have no confidence in my own perceptions/ideas/theories anymore because I failed to see who he really was - being fooled like that really makes you feel unsure of yourself.  If you can be so completely deceived how can you ever trust in anything again? Especially yourself.

Today I watched a video of our daughter when she was a baby.  I can hear his voice in the background sounding so normal.  It's surreal.  I was looking for video to post for Throwback Thursday and not realizing his voice would be in the video I clicked on it (I try to avoid looking at or seeing anything associated with him) and there it was and I felt like puking.  I just want to be alone with him in a room tied up and stab him repeatedly over and over and over until he begs for mercy and then just keep stabbing him and torture him until he dies in the most painful way possible.  I want to punish his family for not informing me of things they knew/suspected until it benefited them.  I want everyone to suffer as we have suffered.

I'm afraid. I'm so afraid.  My oldest daughter just seems to be on a path to destruction.  I can't bear it.  We talk to each other, but it's like nothing gets through to her. I see her making bad decision after bad decision.  I just found out a bunch of stuff I didn't know last night because she posted some stuff to her instagram.  It's so hard to write this post because I feel so responsible, I'm her mother, it's my fault that she is the way she is.  I found out she has been drinking (she told me that when I let her to with her friends to a festival that the older sister had alcohol and she stole some of it and has been drinking it at night to go to sleep), that she has had sex, that she still feels alone and wishes she were dead, and that she hates everyone except her family).  She posted all this online for all of her peers to see.  I did make her delete it when I found it but I don't really understand why she posted it.  I've called her therapist today to talk to her about it but she hasn't called me back yet.  I'm seriously thinking of putting her in some kind of residential treatment because I feel like I can't get through to her, that she needs something that I can't give her, that maybe in a  more structured setting with daily counseling and monitoring she might get better.  I'm so afraid for her to start high school if she is still feeling like this, so unmotivated, so hostile, so sad, so broken.  I love her so much but it's like she is in a place I can't reach no matter how hard I try.  It's like we speak different languages.  She told me the other day that I'm just too happy for her to be around.  She can't understand how I can still be hopeful for the future after living through so many terrible things in my life, she thinks life is just too hard and would rather just not be here. 

My oldest daughter suffers from depression.  When her biological father and I divorced, I took her and her sister to counseling (they did play therapy) to help them deal with the divorce and him.  She was diagnosed at 5 with slight anxiety and depression when they did her psychological testing.  I wish I had taken that more seriously.  She has always had issues with anger since the divorce.  There was a time when I didn't leave her alone with her little sister because I was afraid that she would hurt her (this was from around the time she was 5-8).  I really didn't think she would, but I also didn't want to take a chance.  Although what we have been through definitely did not help her situation, I think it would have happened anyway. 

I know I did not really understand depression until last year.  There is a great blog post http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html that I read that helped me really understand what it is like to be depressed.  Even now, sometimes I lose sight of how she feels.  I hate that she feels this way and I hate that there is nothing I can really do for her - she is in treatment and I hope this will not be her life forever, but I'm so afraid, well honestly, I think she has chronic depression, that it is something she will have to struggle with her whole life.  I truly believe had her bio father been a decent human being and we could have stayed married that perhaps she would not have developed this disease and it would have stayed dormant because until our divorce she was a very kind, helpful, happy child.  I thought I knew so much at that time in my life, but I really was dumb - I never thought about what he would be like as a Dad I just loved him, but now oh how I wish I had considered that before getting involved with any man.

My middle daughter is really doing better every day.  Since the last talk her therapist had with her about therapy, I no longer have to make her go or face an argument the day of the appt.  She has stayed home more and seems to enjoy being with her family more.  I cannot even express how happy that makes me.  I know she will not escape what happened to her unscathed but it is my hope that she will overcome it and thrive.

I am so thankful that the young girl whom he was grooming took the actions she did, if she hadn't I would have never discovered what he was doing.  Although looking back, I probably should have, I never had suspicious that he was a pedophile and if it hadn't been for her I probably never would have thought it.

last night before we went to sleep my littlest daughter said to me, "Mommy don't ever leave me.".  How heartbreaking is that? It's sad that at four years old she has even conceived of that concept thanks to her biological father's terrible actions.  I knew it would affect her - one day Daddy is here and then poof, never seen again.  For a while I distracted her with he's working because how do you explain to a four year old such terrible things? You can't.  Eventually though I had to explain to her that she was not going to see her dad again.  I told her he was in timeout, for a while that was enough but then she wanted to know why.  I told her that it was too complicated for her to understand but that he had broken the rules, that even adults have rules, and because he had, he was in timeout just like she is when she doesn't follow the rules.  She has cried a few times and it breaks my heart.  She used to be so carefree and confident and although she still is sometimes, I also see that this early introduction that the world is not a safe place, that it is a place where Daddy's disappear,  I truly believe has made her more anxious and fearful than she would have been had this not taken place.

What a selfish terrible father he is to put his perverted needs above his own daughter.  I know he never thought he would be caught, but still it's just sickening.  I also wonder if would have molested her as she got older and I think the answer is yes, sometimes I think he may have already.  There was a couple of times where she hunched me when we were playing and at the time I didn't pay it any mind I just thought it was an accident but now I see it with eyes that have been opened to the evilness of child predators and I am appalled that I was in love with this sick pathetic creature that could do this to his own daughter.  It's bad enough he did it to a child, but even his own daughter?????  She was examined by a forensic sexual abuse expert and they found no evidence in her interview or examination to indicate abuse, but I remember those couple of instances and I wonder.  I have also questioned her and she never indicated he had ever touched her anywhere, but the doubt I have will never go away. 

Why would anyone think it's ok to sexually touch a child? My mind can't even conceive of such a desire, it just seems so wrong and sickening.  I hate that I was associated with this man in any way.  My little daughter is the only good thing that resulted from our relationship, and she is a joy and has honestly brought my daughters and I closer to each other, even after what her father did.  Her innocence and  joie de vivre is infectious and I think has helped us survive the tragic events of last year.

A quote from an article about hyperthermia cases (children left in cars that die from overheating):

"Humans, Hickling said, have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.

In hyperthermia cases, he believes, the parents are demonized for much the same reasons. “We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay. So, when this kind of thing happens to other people, we need to put them in a different category from us. We don’t want to resemble them, and the fact that we might is too terrifying to deal with. So, they have to be monsters.”

In a way it's the same thing with molestation.   It's easier to avoid thinking, talking about this because no one wants to face the reality that there is a significant amount of people in the world that perpetrate this crime everyday behind closed doors.   It's easier to think that mom didn't watch her kids carefully enough, she's a bad mother, the kids were at fault, the father was "weird".  This crime happens to kids every day in families you would NEVER suspect.  It really is an epidemic but no one wants to admit it, everyone just wants to keep it quiet because it's easier to pretend it's not happening than face the ugly truth.

I remember the first time I ever saw this show on Dr Phil http://www.drphil.com/slideshows/slideshow/6644/?id=6644&showID=1757 and I remember thinking bullshit.  There was no way she didn't know.  Now, I know different.

A few of the times that my daughter was molested, it was while I was in bed asleep and her sister sleeping above her in the bunk bed.  He would come home from work (he worked night shift) and go into their room and do things.  I'm not going to talk about what exactly he did because I don't feel that is necessary, but don't ever think that just because they share a room with a sibling they are safe.   They aren't.  My older daughter said she suspected something but she was afraid to look and too scared to say anything.  That is the reality of this type of behavior.  It's so sick and disgusting no one wants to believe it's actually happening.  It's so hard for me to believe this happened while I was in our bedroom asleep.  That's how devious and slick they are to do such things while their wife is in their bed sleeping.  I wish I had woke up and caught him and had a gun so I could've gunned him down like the vermin he is.

My older daughter also told me later that he and my middle daughter would take "naps" together and she thought it was weird but never said anything.  This was when he was home with them after school/during the summer while I was at work and he either was on night/eve shift or not working.  Many times it happened while they were home alone together because my older daughter was involved in extracurricular activities so she wasn't home.

Yesterday after therapy, I was thinking about how twisted and evil some people are, it's hard for me to understand because I'm not made that way, that people like to hurt people, that they like to destroy things that are good and  beautiful.  That they get pleasure out of tormenting.  It's hard to wrap my mind around that concept, but it's true.  These people exist in the world.  It's scary.  I read a story yesterday about a woman who abused and tortured a 4 year old boy left in her care because his dad had to go to jail for six months or something like that for no reason other than she is just a sick twisted individual.  Some people just like to control and hurt people who are vulnerable.  He was like that I think now, I think he enjoyed fooling me, that was part of the thrill.  Knowing that I thought I was creating this good life and it was all really just total shit.  I was trying to give my kids a good start in life and he pretended he was helping me and all the time he was going behind my back and sabotaging me.

I hope he dies a slow and agonizing and painful death when it comes.  The worse that anyone has ever experienced.